Java Jivin’
Writing by treason on Friday, 14 of December , 2007 at 2:00 pm
I love coffee, I love tea
I love the java jive and it loves me.
Coffee and tea and the java and me
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup!
I love java, sweet and hot
Whoops! Mr. Moto, I’m a coffee pot.
Shoot me the pot and I’ll pour me a shot
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup!
Oh, slip me a slug from the wonderful mug
And I’ll cut a rug just snug in a jug.
A slice of onion and a raw one
Draw one -
Waiter, waiter, percolator…
Boston bean, soy bean
Lima bean, string bean.
You know that I’m not keen for a bean
Unless it’s a cheery coffee bean.
I love coffee, I love tea…
I spent most of my life with two women – my little Italian, lapsed Roman Catholic mother and my ultra-conservative, atheist, excruciatingly funny sister – and most of what I’ve learned I learned from them. Unfortunately, most of it is absolutely crazy sh*t but, in those mountains of dreck, there really are nuggets of truth. One thing I remember them always saying about men was this: If he doesn’t have a sweet tooth, if he turns down a piece of cake or pie, or shies away from candy or chocolate, watch out. He’s a drunk.
The other thing – and this was gospel – was the coffee rule. Pay close attention to how a man takes his coffee, they said. It will tell you everything you need to know. Needless to say, I was intrigued when the coffee preferences of the 2008 candidates made news.
DEMOCRATS:
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Sometimes black, sometimes with cream
John Edwards: Doesn’t drink it
Barack Obama: Black, but rarely drinks it
Bill Richardson: Cream
REPUBLICANS:
Rudy Giuliani: Splenda, Sweet’N Low or Equal, whichever is available
Mike Huckabee: Splenda
John McCain: Cappuccino or coffee with cream and sugar
Mitt Romney: Doesn’t drink it, has been known to have hot chocolate
Fred Thompson: Cream
Oh, dear. I come from a long line of coffee drinkers and my mother mainlined the stuff. She never failed to remind us of her supreme sacrifice: She gave up the stuff while she was pregnant. A badge of honor, and we should have been grateful. Actually, we just suspected that she resented us for it. I do not exaggerate: The woman loves her coffee.
I, too, am a fan and I dutifully grind my beans – always dark, always fragrant – and concoct a brew that’s very dark and thick. Some have complained that my coffee has dissolved whole sections of stomach lining because it’s “too strong.” Too strong? What are they talking about?
Anyway, my theory is that if coffee is worth drinking, it’s worth drinking very hot and very black, or with a modest splash of half ‘n’ half. Real cream, of course, is acceptable if you’re lucky enough to have it, but milk is insipid. And the cream is there only to lighten and enhance the flavor of the coffee. Its role is not to overpower. After all, the expression is “coffee with cream,” not cream with coffee. “Boston,” as my mother and sister would say.
And please – none of those sugary, flavored creamers. Why? Because the rule of coffee is this: no sugar. Ever. With that in mind, which candidate passes my coffee test?
Rudy, Rudy, Rudy! Sweetener in your coffee? No wonder you attended every funeral after 9/11. When we first moved to California, our old Italian landlord, Mr. Mancini, always slipped me cups of hot, strong coffee with sugar. I drank it and loved it because sugar was only a minor ingredient. There was considerably more bourbon than sugar in there, and usually a bit of lemon, so the sugar was easy to overlook. I was only eleven, but I knew the family’s rule on coffee. If I’m going to have sugar in coffee, it had better be accompanied by alcohol and a lot of it.
Huckabee’s diabetic – and it’s probably because of all the sugar he put in his coffee. If he has the discipline to lose over a hundred pounds and run marathons, he should be man enough to kiss the Splenda goodbye. Mike, once you go black…
McCain. He’s a Starbucks guy, isn’t he? That combination of caffeine and sugar is probably what makes him so peevish.
Clearly, Fred Thompson is the only Republican on this list who knows how to take his coffee. A man’s man. An adult. The Gary Cooper in the group.
Mitt’s a Mormon, so I’m not surprised that he passes on the cuppa joe. It’s the main reason I’ll never join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That and the alcohol thing. But isn’t hot chocolate a stimulant? I mean, I’ve been stimulated by a good mug of hot chocolate.
So we’re left with the Democrats. So why doesn’t Edwards drink coffee? Just one more reason to dislike him.
Barack is trying to please everyone here. He drinks it, but he doesn’t. And in case you need to be reminded, when he drinks it, he drinks it black.
Govzilla uses cream, but how much I wonder? So… to my horror… the Senator from New York and I continue to have some things in common. I raise my mug to her.
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