Whaddya tawkin’ about? Rudy’s “made” fah dis job!
Writing by treason on Thursday, 25 of January , 2007 at 8:05 am
Tony Soprano: Listen, you need some start-up cash, you know, until the insurance settled on the restaurant comes -
Artie Bucco: Hah! Insurance! There’ll be an Italian president before I see any insurance money!
I’ve been watching The Sopranos on A&E - can you tell? It’s the super-edited version of the series, but it’s fun to watch because it’s the only place where you can see Mafia goons beat, stomp, and kick the ricotta out of someone, all the while shouting: “Ya big stoopid jerk!” I don’t know, but I just don’t get the feeling that this line showed up too often in the original HBO scripts.
See, I didn’t watch the show when it began on the other channel because, like my early aversion to 24, I just didn’t want to commit to a regular series. I just didn’t want to get involved. Now I’m involved.
T giggles like an idiot when we watch - especially during the scenes with Tony’s mother Livia. He just cracks up and then looks over at me. I admit, Nancy Marchand - an actress I’d long admired - looks and sounds nothing like my little Italian mother, but I can’t help think the writers have known plenty of mothers like mine.
I’m reminded of a recent visit. My mother, who hasn’t yet lost her sense of humor, was giving up a drop of blood for the glucose meter when she held up her finger and declared: “Look! Dago red!” It was the same day we were watching FNC and Rudy Giuliani appeared on the screen.
“They’ll never let an Italian be president.”
“What? Why not?”
“He’d make the White House a harem.”
“Ma. Enough about your lecherous brothers. We’re talking about Rudy Giuliani, not Bill Clinton.”
But she might just be on to something. She’s old - old as Yankee Stadium - and old enough to remember when Italians were black. I have to admit, 2008 is going to be interesting because so much attention will be paid to the woman who’s running, the African-American who’s running, and the Hispanic who’s running. Eh! Whadda ’bout da wop?
You have to understand something about the Italians. There’s this “thing.” No, I’m not talking about Cosa Nostra - I’m talking about that Italian/Sicilian thing. That thing that makes Sicilians consider themselves Italian, but makes Italians point out constantly that they’re not Sicilian and that their family comes from north of Rome, even if they’re really from Napoli. Especially if they’re from Napoli. Cuz Napoli might as well be Calabria. And Calabria might as well be Sicilia. And Sicilia…well, Sicily’s Africa.
Hey, I didn’t say it. Millions of Italians, like my grandfather, have been saying it forever. Remember, he’s the one who practically disowned my aunt Emma for marrying a Neopolitan. That north/south thing’s crazy, I tell you. To me, it’s ridiculous to claim you’re a Northern Italian. Hell, everyone knows that means German.
My mother still claims her family is from the North. Eh - they’re mezza-mezz, as far as I’m concerned. Abruzzo looks sort of middle of the boot, south of the calf, if you ask me. That means I can go either way. I can appreciate both Italia and Sicilia - both Europe and Africa.
It’s weird and it’s too much like that thing black girls would do when I was in school, comparing hair texture, noses, and rolling up their sleeves to compare skin color. Black, blue-black, brown, yellow, high yellow - what the hell are you people talking about?
Oh, don’t get me started about Italians, Sicilians, and the size of their noses. That’s a whole freakin’ chapter. I guess I’m “Italian” because I have the classic Roman nose - I got da bump - and I’ve got that weird toe that you’ll see on Roman statues. You know, the toe next to the big toe that’s like an inch longer than the rest? What’s up with that, anyway? What - does that make it easier for us to hang from tree limbs?
I’m not one of those furry little dagos with the kinky hair and brown eyes, either. Not that there’s anything wrong with that - it’s just that people look at me and try to tell me I can’t be Italian. True, I’ll give them that, because technically I’m an American - it’s my mother’s family that’s from Italy. But you know what they say: If your mother’s Italian, you’re Italian. Still, I’m told that I’m too tall, too fair, my hair and eyes are the wrong color. Eh - you people obsessed with stereotypes, or what?
But I do remember, even when I was a kid, that my mother always said that her father told her that there would never ever be an Italian president. (In a dialect I always thought made him sound a little “below the knee,” if you get my drift.) He also said that he liked the Irish because they were so funny and charming, but that you had to watch out for them because they could never fully be trusted. (They used to be black, too, you know. Before the Italians came here and were black, giving the Irish a promotion.)
So where does that leave Rudy Giuliani? I mean, aren’t we making progress here? Mee-Mee Pelosi’s the first Italian Speaker of the House - and she’s a woman. The daughter of a mayor. But Rudy’s the mayor. America’s mayor. They always say governor’s better than senator, but mayor of New York City? Dat’s a bigga deal, no?
A quick comparison. Bill Richardson is the governor of New Mexico (yes, it’s a state - look at the map) and Rudy was mayor of the greatest city in the world. Hey, as a native Chicagoan, I hate to admit it, but even Hillary went over to the other side. I love New York.
The state of New Mexico has a population of almost two million people. Yeah, we’re creamin’ Wyoming on the whole population thing. The city of New York has over eight million. It’s a freakin’ country because there are people from all over the world on that island. Ask John Rocker.
See, unlike some of the other candidates, Rudy has a record. It’s already been analyzed to death and there have been multiple books and TV movies. Ask James Woods. We have photos of Giuliani in a dress, his medical records are public record, and his love life is legend. What don’t we know about the guy? He practically told that Arab to shove that ten million dollar check up his oasis, so we know he has garbanzos. We’ve seen the best and the worst - what else is there?
It’s important to note that, while Dems are scrambling to get to the left of every other candidate on the issues, the Republican frontrunners are supporting Bush and the war. Remember, I like Romney and I like Huckabee, but if Rudy’s the nominee, I’ll support him 100%. Not because he’s an Italian, because - like me - he’s an American. No, I’ll support him because he can do the job.
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