Thirteen Things I’d Tell My Daughter If I Had One (But Thank God I Don’t)
Writing by treason on Saturday, 23 of December , 2006 at 12:51 pm
1. Be pro-active in your education and don’t limit yourself to just the things you like or excel in. Read voraciously. Don’t let anyone tell you that spelling isn’t important. Don’t avoid math and science. Read fiction and non-fiction. Expert penmanship is like breathing; why write if no one can decipher it? Read the classics and Newberry Award winners (if you can only get through the ones from 1922 to 1967, that’s fine). If you have to limit your magazine subscriptions to just one, buy National Review. Know classical music, jazz, swing. Listen to Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, and The King. Learn the lyrics to Mack the Knife - the Bobby Darin version. Sing, even if you don’t sound like Judy Garland. Know art. Love history. Study film. Go to the theater. (I’m certain there’s one left somewhere.) Study different religions, languages, and cultures. Learn Latin. Enjoy your home schooling and always be grateful Mother didn’t send you to a public school.
2. Don’t waste too much time worrying about peculiar things you were born with. Rhinoplasty is unnecessary unless your nose is so deformed or damaged that it prevents you from breathing. Eventually you’ll get used to these minor distractions and discover you have other, more pressing things to worry about. Trust me when I tell you that whatever you hated when you were fourteen, you’ll love when you’re forty. And vice versa.
3. Don’t get into the habit of buying expensive toiletries. The only product worth splurging on is a great foundation, unless you’re fortunate enough to find a good inexpensive one, but chances are you won’t be. (I recommend Bare Minerals. One .3 oz. container of powder lasts what seems like forever. And it looks like you’re not wearing make-up at all which should be your objective, strangely enough.) Take note: It’s not the price of the cosmetics that’s important - it’s how you apply them. (Years of working with theatrical make-up has taught me volumes.) Choose blush carefully and apply it with the lightest touch. It should look like you just ran up a flight of stairs and not like you just fell down a flight of stairs. Avoid applying cosmetics in public. If you ever do it while you’re driving, Mother will kill you with her bare hands. Learn how to discreetly apply lip balm without a mirror. Don’t go to sleep with make-up on your face. No matter how exhausted you are, muster up the energy to wash your face and brush your teeth. Don’t waste your money on expensive cleansers and moisturizers. Tip: the store version of Cetaphil is top notch and if you mix it with baking soda, you will have created a fabulous scrub. Yes, you can exfoliate effectively on the cheap. (Use the soda on your teeth, too, while you’re at it.) Don’t share your make-up with others. Don’t collect a lot of it - it just spoils. Same with fragrances. Apply products sparingly and invest in good brushes. You’ll need to toss your mascara every two to three months, so don’t spend a lot on it. Remember, you want it to make your lashes visible - you don’t want to marry the stuff. Choose brownish black instead of black and line your eyes judiciously. You are not Cleopatra, nor are you a raccoon. Maybelline and Almay make fine products and you can buy them on sale. Keep a spare product on hand in case you drop a tube in the toilet. It’s true that less is more - you don’t want to look like Bette Davis in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?, do you? You can work wonders with simple, inexpensive items like hydrogen peroxide, witch hazel (bless you, Florence King), baking soda, baby oil, and petroleum jelly. Simplify. Find solid products, stick with them, and don’t be tempted by packaging and marketing. Never leave the house without some thought to your appearance - you’ll always run into someone you know and be humiliated. Hair: Don’t twist it, chew it, or swing it. Don’t comb or brush it in public. Avoid unnecessary hair products. Shampoo and conditioner are more than enough. Never, ever get a perm. Shave your head at least once in your life. Pluck, shave, clip, trim, file, and wear clean underwear - if you get hit by a bus, you’ll be glad you did. Your physician will be, too.
Don’t buy expensive cleaning products for your home when things like bleach and baking soda can do the job. Your tools are usually more important than your product. Shop wisely, look for bargains, use store brands if they’re cheaper, and stock enough so you don’t run out of anything important. You never know when your car won’t start or you come down with chicken pox and are unable to get to a store. What you save on these basics will give you more money to spend on other things. Like a sewing kit, tool box, a good vacuum cleaner, a set of decent cookware, a quality mattress, books, or a dependable, practical sedan, wagon, or truck. Or real estate.
4. Don’t wear stupid shoes and avoid trendy clothes. Know what colors and shapes are most flattering on you and you’ll save yourself money and aggravation. If you’re going to wear a skirt, wear pantyhose. I don’t care if it’s 120 degrees outside, a leg inside a good pair of hose is infinitely superior to a bare one. Always wear good quality underwear. A well designed, good fitting foundation is the most important item of clothing you will ever own. Avoid things that require dry cleaning and a lot of fuss. Learn to accessorize. Don’t wear too much jewelry. Less is more. Don’t wear earrings that can get caught in a car door. If you must get a tattoo, get one that only your physician and the person you’re willing to marry will see. And remember that you might live to be 80 or more, so choose carefully. Don’t pay attention to what your peers say: A good fitting black turtleneck sweater over a well constructed brassiere will always be more flattering, more alluring, than a tube top.
5. Don’t chew gum with your mouth open. Don’t chew anything with your mouth open. Etiquette is not passe - learn how to use utensils and write a thank you note. Don’t litter, and if you decide you don’t want something at the store, put it back precisely where you found it. Sending a greeting card is always a good idea. Buy postage stamps and checks online and never run out.
6. Don’t be a slut. No matter how great it seems to misbehave, people will still think you’re a slut. Remember, the only thing worse than a young slut is an old one. A sense of decorum is never inappropriate. As for men, cultivate the ability to converse with them about things that interest them. Sports, politics, cars, food, beer, dogs, and them are all good topics to start with. You can have wonderful relationships with the male species and still manage to keep your clothes on. They do make fine friends, so be sure to have a few. When you contemplate being intimate with one, ask yourself two questions: “Would I feel comfortable eating off this person’s used utensils?” and “Would I be willing to bear and raise this person’s offspring?”
7. Be financially independent. Keep accounts and credit cards in your name. Pay bills in a timely manner. Establish credit early and keep your rating pristine. Always have options. Don’t allow yourself to get trapped in a situation you can’t afford to get out of. Don’t prostitute yourself or your children. And only have children if you’re willing to parent. (Read Lord of the Flies again if you have any confusion in this area.) If you do breed, teach and protect your offspring as if you are a bear. A big, angry, sharp-toothed bear.
8. Be generous, honest, kind, responsible, dependable, punctual, and trustworthy. Learn how to tip. Pay attention. Vote. Volunteer. It might not seem like much, but self-respect is priceless and cannot be bought. Chances are you will spend half your life thinking you’re a dupe, but who cares?
9. Learn to cook. Eat well, eat smart, appreciate food and be adventurous with it. Don’t be afraid to try different things. (Though you might want to avoid tripe. Yuk.) Learn to make a good pot of coffee and a mixed drink.
10. Be nimble, be quick. Don’t collect, be organized, and don’t burden yourself with things you don’t need. Delete e-mail, deal with junk mail the moment you get it, keep an updated address book. You know, all those things your mother doesn’t do, but plans to do one day.
11. Recycle what you can - paper, glass, plastic. Avoid waste. Recycle yourself, too, and donate whatever you don’t use. Give blood. Be an organ donor. Have yourself cremated. You’ll take up less space.
12. Enjoy and appreciate nature. Go for walks. Look at the sky. Grow things. Learn about the things that live around you and be able to identify them for out of town visitors. Develop some sense of direction so you can avoid getting yourself hopelessly lost. Love trees, plants, bees, and other animals - especially dogs. Remember: Canines are God’s most perfect creatures. Honor them.
13. Be open to possibility. Healthy skepticism is good, but don’t get into the habit of scoffing. Cynicism isn’t a bad thing, but balance it with optimism. Never lose hope. Never give up. When things seem they’re at their very worst, they probably aren’t. Remember - they can always get much worse. But that, too, shall pass. Onward.
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