The Voice of Treason

“The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it’s a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh… people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come.”

– Michael Corleone, The Godfather: Part III

T has been unloading his baseball memorabilia: cards, jerseys, seats from stadiums that don’t exist anymore. He hasn’t fully recovered from the strike of ‘94 and probably never will.

I admit even I had some trouble watching entire games this season. It’s a shame because it makes it that much harder to identify ex-Cubs when playoffs roll around. See, I always like to count how many ex-Cubs are on each team before the championship games begin. It’s good to get a feel for who has the best chance of losing. I still stand by the ex-Cub factor. I am, after all, a Cubs fan and know of what I speak.

But now, here it is October and, like Michael Corleone, I’m getting pulled back in again.

“I’ve heard that old men wake up and scratch itchy legs that been dust for over fifty years. That was me. I’d wake up at night with the smell of the ballpark in my nose, the cool of the grass on my feet…The thrill of the grass.”

Baseball is, essentially, what brought the two of us together. T and I and our friend, Bob, have our birthdays during one week in October and we all worked together at one time. It was 1990 when we decided to celebrate by going to a local pizza place after work to have a few beers and watch the series on a big screen. At the time, T was the only straight male I knew who really followed baseball.

It’s a sort of language, really. You can take different positions on politics or religion, but no matter where you stand on the game of baseball, you can generally have a mature conversation about it. I believe that because I think the passion for baseball has waned. It’s safe to discuss the game because, frankly, only a few Americans really care about it now.

It’s a shame because these recent games have been pretty darned exciting. We were riveted, watching the Cardinals and the Mets, and I announced that something ugly was about to happen in the ninth to end the game.

“You think so?,” T asked.

“I know so. And it’s going to be ugly. Real ugly. Look at all those Mets fans. They’re praying. And they were all atheists when they got to Shea tonight.”

Writers have always drawn comparisons between baseball and holiness. There’s definitely something to that. I feel it in baseball, yet I don’t in other sports. What is that exactly?

Anyway, the Mets and Cardinals played remarkably good ball, both teams should be praised, and the series was a joy to watch. It’s difficult for me to take sides here because by baseball rules I should detest both teams. As a Cubs supporter, how can I get behind their rival St. Louis? And since my favorite team of all time was the 1969 Cubs, how could I support those damned Mets?

Truth be told, I like La Russa and I’ve always felt that Cardinals fans were a fine group of folks. I like to look at that sea of red out in the stands. But years ago I saw a game at Shea Stadium and the biggest surprise was how friendly the Mets fans were. I would have preferred to see them win this one, mainly because the Tigers and Mets have never faced each other in a World Series.

But that was not to be. It’s difficult to calculate the negative effects of the ex-Cub factor because, frankly, I’m not even sure who’s who on teams anymore. Just when I was getting used to the idea of Greg Maddux being a Cub again, he showed up in Dodger blue. What I do know, however, is that Mets pitcher Steve Trachsel was once a Cub, and that could be one reason why their season is over.

But now I’ll explain why I want to see the Tigers win. Two words: Jim Leyland. One of the great things about the game is its history. Leyland and La Russa have an extensive history. But it’s a good one. They’ve worked together and they’re close friends. But there’s a loyalty factor I really like in Leyland. He played for the Tigers - minor league - and it seems fitting that he’s returned to his first team at the end of his career to turn them around and possibly win a championship.

That loyalty runs deep with Leyland. As we watched the Tigers play, I turned to T and said:

“Hey! Is that Andy Van Slyke?”

“Might be. I thought I just saw Don Slaught.”

“It’s deja vu.”

“It’s the Pittsburgh Pirates.”

Leyland, as any great manager should, has surrounded himself with good people that he knows and trusts. It’s very cool to see a lot of that Pirates team together again and it would be great to see them win this time. See, T and I went to a lot of ballgames together and it was always difficult to get close to the players. So many of them avoided the fans. After the game, they’d practically evaporate, leaving the field so quickly.

But not the Pirates. Several players were happy to stop and chat and interact with fans. One signed T’s cap; Andy Van Slyke personalized a jersey. He seemed genuinely tickled - and baffled - that someone would actually spend money on one of his old shirts. And we had the opportunity to speak with Leyland. His wife had just had a baby and I blurted out:

“Hey, Jim, how’s the new baby?”

He looked up at me and he was glowing. I think it was the first time I ever saw him smile - and he looked twenty years younger.

“Great! Just great - thanks for asking!”

T’s teams are the Pirates and Yankees, yet he unloaded his favorite player’s jersey recently. It belonged to Don Mattingly, but we never got close enough to him to ask him to sign it. So to T, it was just an old shirt and it held little significance. But T plans to hang on to that Van Slyke jersey because its original owner took the time to have a conversation, write a message on it, and thank the new owner for being a fan.

When we saw the Tigers sweep the A’s, instead of disappearing into the clubhouse to spray champagne on each other and tell reporters how much they respected their opponents, they grabbed up as many bottles as they could carry and ran towards the seats.

“Whoa! Look at that! Have you ever seen that before?”

“If I have, I can’t remember.”

The Tigers stayed on the field and many of them jumped into the stands to be with their fans, soaking them with champagne, and sharing the victory with them.

It’s the coolest thing I’ve seen in a very long time. And I really hope to see it again.

“Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
(turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-changes…”

– David Bowie

People just want a change. I keep hearing that. My question is this: Why is it when people decide they want a change, everyone has to suffer? People wanted a change, so they ushered Jimmy Carter into the White House. They wanted a change and we all got stuck with the Clintons.

The upside, of course, is that voters’ capriciousness sometimes works in the other side’s favor. After Carter, we got Reagan. Don’t get me wrong - I understand the need for change. Something isn’t quite right, so you figure change will be an improvement. Sometimes that’s true.

I remember in college, when friends felt it was time for a change they’d drop out of school or change majors - again. I was one of those oddballs that started with one major, kept it, added another and a minor, and earned a credential. I never actually changed my major.

When I wanted a change, I’d go shopping. I’d pick up a new flavor of tea or beer, a different jar of preserves or a new loaf of bread. Maybe a new bubblebath or shampoo. Or I’d color my hair. I spent most of my college years in a L’Oreal shade I liked to call “Irish Setter.”

I feel it’s time for a change again, so I have the option of coloring my hair once more. I could go red, but I suspect I’d look less Irish Setter and more Dogue de Bordeaux. I have twenty-two different shower gels and as many types of teas. I don’t drink as much tea as I once did, so that might be a good change. I should start brewing more tea.

In general, when I seek change I try to change something that won’t adversely affect the rest of humanity. Change means reading a different publication, perusing a new website, listening to a different radio station, trying out lemon toothpaste. It doesn’t mean voting for a party that is diametrically opposed to most everything I believe in. But that’s just me.

Lately I’ve switched talk radio programs. I do that from time to time. In the morning I’ve switched from local talk back to Neal Boortz. Haven’t listened to Neal in a long time, so I figured it was time to revisit. Required a much-needed break from Sean, so I’ve tuned into Dr. Laura. I listen to Savage for five minutes and my blood pressure goes up, so I’ve switched to Medved so my blood pressure will fall. I tune into George Noory for updates on the chupacabra. Love Rush, but Laura Ingraham’s show has moved into the same time slot, so I’ve been listening to her show for the last couple weeks.

I was sorry to hear that her yellow Lab, Troy, had been ailing. I have an enormous soft spot for yellow Labs - especially those sturdy, washed-out, practically white ones that the AKC prefers to call “cream.” I’d seen photos of Troy on Laura’s site and was struck by his nobility and extreme good looks. A fine dog, that Troy.

He turned thirteen this month; my dog and her late brother are October babies, as well. Thirteen is as about as old as a Lab can get, so Laura should pat herself on the back for making it possible for Troy to fulfill his breed’s life expectancy. The most recent photos of her dog are on the site, taken two days ago. Troy, despite health issues common to a dog of his age and breed, looks beautiful. Bright eyes, shiny yellow coat, peaceful expression.

Those were Troy’s last photographs. After struggling with the decision, Laura finalized her choice on October 18, and ended Troy’s life in a manner that all dogs’ lives should end. Surrounded by loved ones in a favorite place, with a full belly, and covered in kisses.

The only cure for the pain of losing a dog is to go right out and get another one. Laura has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is a fine dog parent and another dog should have the opportunity to be loved and cared for the way Troy was.

I never met her dog, but I wept when I heard that he was gone. On her site, there’s an appropriate quote from Will Rogers:

“If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

Ditto.

A friend recently e-mailed me and said that he’d quit his new job. This was disappointing to hear because we just recently graduated from a program and he was, in effect, saying that the field we had chosen to study sucks. He does not want to pursue another position, even though he entered the program with enthusiasm and excelled in class.

Swell. I’m supposed to be looking for a job - and his has opened up - but now I suspect I’ll run into the same issues. He’s retired military and had been an engineer, but he doesn’t want to retire. He wants to keep working and he wanted to learn a new skill. Now he’s asking me if I think AOL would be a good place to consider.

“Well,” I told him, “it would put your problem-solving and trouble-shooting skills to use. And I’ve known people who work there and they liked it very much. What’s the harm?”

It was announced yesterday that, after ten years in our little town, AOL is closing its doors and “releasing” all its employees. I was one of those people who, after thirteen years with a high tech company, lost my job when tech took a dump. I knew it would be a risk to leave Silicon Valley and move here because there were no other decent paying jobs in the area. Right after I lost my job, our friend Bob lost his Silicon Valley job and he was in the same boat. A million guys had the same resume, but no one was hiring.

I noticed then that all the jobs available here were call center jobs. New companies were moving into the area and politicians were touting this as the next great thing. Strangely, several of those companies that moved here have already packed up and skipped town.

Outsourcing? Not necessarily. Some of these companies have moved out of state and set up shop elsewhere. I can’t help think that they’re experiencing what the company I worked for experienced.

It was expensive to operate in the San Francisco Bay Area. The company leased a space and between the high rent and the monthly PG&E bill, we were facing a gloomy future. The only thing that saved us was that management believed in running lean. We were paid less on average than other local companies’ employees, and we were expected to do more.

We cross-trained, learned other jobs, and moved up pretty quickly, but never made the salaries that other people in other companies were making. It was understood that we would work harder and be paid less, but we wouldn’t be let go. We ran so lean we couldn’t afford to lose people. If someone called in sick, everyone felt it. That was the corporate philosophy and it worked. Other companies would hire on heavy, then lay off after a few months. We didn’t do that.

But it made sense to get out of California. Here, we would own the land and the facility. The state was offering incentives. And the operating costs would be lower. People here would be happy to work at a high tech company - we’d be the only game in town.

I won’t go into details here, but it didn’t quite work out that way.

It’s like Iraqis greeting us as liberators. Locals were happy to see the new company at first, but soon they turned surly. And they just couldn’t quite catch on to our corporate philosophy. We had an insurgency problem on our hands.

Manufacturing plants have been slow - very slow - to move here. I’ll hear there’s a plan in the works for a company to move here, but inevitably the company backs out of the deal. Restaurants are cropping up and some new retail chains are finally showing up here. Service jobs. And a few lingering call centers. And more and more of those are closing. One, not far from where we live, just closed without fanfare. Just drove by one day and noticed that the place looked like it had been abandoned.

On the surface, this seems like an ideal place to live and work. Fabulous climate. But there are issues. Lots of issues. Once again, another survey has revealed that our state is an embarrassment.

This one is the Morgan Quitno Smart Cities survey. Nuevo Mexico is up five whole points from last year, but we’re now at 43. When there’s only 50 states on the list, this isn’t incentive to break out the bubbly.

The survey reports that while Nuevo Mexico has improved, there are still issues to resolve. Like this one: our reading scores are some of the worst in the nation.

I looked at some of the scores for neighbor states. Utah is at 38, down from 33; Arizona is the same as last year, rated a bottom-of-the-barrel 50. Hmmm. No surprise, then, that AOL is also closing its call centers in Tucson and Ogden.

I hear apple growers in Washington state are having trouble finding workers to harvest their crop. The new AOL - “America On Limbs.” Anyone willing to relocate?

Taking preventive measures makes sense, but only to a point. In a perfect world, a person would take his car in for regular check-ups, thinking that as long as there were no obvious issues, the car was in good shape and safe to operate. Some prefer not to go this route because they feel if there’s no problem and the car is running, why spend the time and money to have it checked? It’s better to wait until there is a problem, then have the car repaired.

As a woman who drove a 1984 Renault Alliance (the final nail in AMC’s coffin) for sixteen years, I can tell you that mechanics are more than willing to identify problems where none exist. I’d bring my car in for regular checks and I felt that the mechanics assumed I was there because I wanted them to find something wrong.

“You definitely need new brakes.”

“But the car is only three months old.”

“It’s a common problem with this model. But if you feel comfortable driving without brakes, that’s okay. It’s your choice.”

I actually had a mechanic tell me that the car needed a new carburetor. Odd, because the car never had one to begin with since it was a fuel-injected design.

The same issues arise when you go to the doctor for regular check-ups. Or to the vet. Our dog turned ten yesterday, so we brought her in for a 100,000-mile check. Like a car, a dog starts to exhibit peculiarities after ten years. She has some issues: her teeth have never been good and she’s had three knee surgeries. Older dogs always have joint problems and fatty cysts, so the vet addressed those. But this time he found something new. She has a marble-sized lump in her throat. Okay. We have information here and we have to act accordingly.

Whenever there’s a threat of something happening, I tend to want to address the problem before it actually happens. T cites Minority Report, and reminds me that it sounds like I want to prosecute a “pre-crime.” Someone has information on his computer about bomb-making: do you arrest him because he could be a mad bomber or do you wait until he actually blows something up?

Chances are you wouldn’t want to arrest someone for surfing the net, but if the guy does detonate, and the public discovers it was known that he was studying bomb-making online, who’s the bigger criminal? The bomber or the person who made the decision not to act and prevent him from committing a crime?

The whole pre-crime thing again. And I think that’s what the GOP had on its hands with Mark Foley. Had he committed a crime? Did he molest anyone? Or was he simply flirting and making inappropriate remarks to teenagers? If we arrested every middle-aged man who made inappropriate remarks to subordinates, we’d have to release all the murderers and rapists to make room. And the same is true for women. They’re not off the hook on this, either. Gay or straight, male or female, adults exercise poor judgment and do stupid things.

Several Republicans have said that if they had acted sooner they would have been outing Foley, and it would have been interpreted as “gaybashing.” This is a valid point. There is no doubt in my mind that the GOP would have been attacked for accusing Foley of a pre-crime. Just because he’s gay, it doesn’t mean he’s a pedophile. Again, none of these pages are in elementary school, so the pedophile tag doesn’t fit.

If you read the messages from these “kids” you have to wonder who’s seducing who. But none dare call these youngsters sluts - they’re innocent children who must be protected. Yeah, sure. Whatever.

So, once again, Republicans are between a rock and a hard place. Whenever they have to adjust their actions according to political correctness it gets them into trouble. They chose to move slowly on Foley, and it came back to bite them. But had they done the opposite, that too would have come back to bite them.

Republicans keep pointing to Democrats, accusing them of having a double standard. How come your perverts get a pass? Well, because they always have and always will, so get over it. All you can do is deal with your own, so just do it.

And that’s what they’re doing, so can we just move on now? No, of course not. What is most offensive about the Foley case is the current threat out there of additional outings. The Left keeps dangling tidbits of gossip in front of the press: there are others, you know, and we know who they are.

The irony here is that the other side is making an issue out of Foley being gay. Leftist bloggers are referring to the GOP as the Gay Old Party. So it’s acceptable to out gay Republicans and accuse one of being a predator, enforcing all those stereotypes that homosexuals have been trying to erase. “Just because we’re gay doesn’t mean we want to have sex with juveniles!”

Tell that to the Dems.

“Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren’t for the goddamned people.”

– Richard M. Nixon

Now be honest: couldn’t that be said about most professions? But suddenly we’re being told that in politics, when there’s one bad apple, it’s best to toss the whole bunch. I keep hearing that Republicans have squandered every opportunity so they deserve to lose in November. I can’t argue with that. But if you follow that logic, it means that if Republicans deserve to lose, then Democrats deserve to win. I can argue with that.

Some are warning voters to think carefully before they cut off their noses to spite their faces. In other words, don’t act out of anger and do something that will hurt you more than it hurts anyone else. I’m still waiting for someone to explain to me how me voting Republicans out of office - either by not voting or by voting for their opponents - will help me.

I’m not particularly inspired by Denny Hastert, but do I want to see him replaced by Nancy Pelosi? As someone who spent the majority of my life in the San Francisco Bay area, the answer is no. But I would like to see a strong Republican reformer in the job. Who that would be I just don’t know. I’m irritable over the lack of reform: tax reform, tort reform, immigration reform, Social Security reform, education reform. Again, squandered opportunities.

But I’m to believe the other party will address these issues? A Democratic victory only means a setback. And why should I support that? Voters need to focus on the election as it relates to local issues. I need to look at how the election will affect the state I live in and vote accordingly.

See, every day I go into the backyard and rinse out the birdbath, filling it with fresh, clean water because the birds use it as a latrine. I always find myself muttering that it makes no sense for the birds to shit in their only source of fresh water. But day after day, rain or shine, the birds are out there shitting in their water.

I feel like I’m being asked to shit in my own water this November and, for the life of me, I can’t think of one reason why that would make any sense.

As we inch closer to Halloween the topic of conversation on talk radio seems to be the scarcity of appropriate costumes for children. I’m not talkin’ toddlers and primary graders - I’m talking maybe age nine and up. The complaint is that all the costumes in the stores are too “slutty.” This shouldn’t be an issue if your daughter is going trick-or-treating as a sidewalk hostess, but if you want the kid to go as a ghost, nurse, clown, witch, or cat - good luck. No matter what costume she chooses it will be cut too low and too short, and have fishnet stockings with it.

I’m glad my only concern at Halloween is which taste treats to have on hand and how much I should stock. But I digress. There are parents out there who are wringing their hands over their kids’ costumes. I’m sitting here trying to remember what sort of costumes I had when I was a kid and there was actually a time when I knew precisely what I wore each year and what the temperature was and what doors I knocked on and what I brought home. That time has passed.

I do, however, remember one costume in particular. It was the year we lived in Prescott, Arizona and it was one of the best - if not the best - Halloweens I ever had. I was Raggedy Ann that year. I had a patchwork peasant blouse that inspired my mother and sister to come up with the rag doll idea. What was unusual was that my mother, who was never particularly domestic, took the time to make a skull cap out of an old sheet, then hand sew red yarn onto it to make a wig. An amazingly impressive red yarn wig with long braids and thick bangs.

My costume was adorable - lots of fabric - and I had perfect Raggedy Ann makeup on my face. The family participation in this Halloween was what made it so special. When I look at my lists of everything my mother did wrong and everything my mother did right, that wig is near the top of the right list. That is one Halloween I’ll never forget.

But it’s probably a good thing I never had kids because I’m one of those people who likes to see infants and toddlers in those big furry animal suits. Ears, tails, paws. That’s just how I like to see them. Older kids look best to me when they’re covered in fabric. I like to see little girls in long sleeved blouses, jumpers or long skirts, blazers, sweaters or oversized sweatshirts, heavy opaque stockings, and Mary-Janes. Little boys look fine in Oxford shirts under bulky knit sweaters or sweatshirts, or maybe a long sleeved shirt over a tee. Baggy corduroys or jeans, and sturdy shoes.

See, I’m one of those people who still cringes when I see naked babies on commercials and Shirley Temple’s ass passed from middle-aged man to middle-aged man. Those chubby little thighs and tight, short, short dresses. That look wasn’t accidental, you know.

But every time I mention that some kid running around the grocery store should be under more fabric, someone calls me a prude. Maybe I am, but when Joseph Duncan was asked why he picked out Shasta and Dylan Groene to abduct and abuse, killing their mother, older brother, mother’s boyfriend, and eventually little Dylan, too, he explained that he was just driving by their house one day and saw them playing together in the yard.

In their swimsuits.

Absinthe B-55

This drink will sneak up on you and you’ll soon be licking the floor!

Yeah, that’s what I want. Another big mouthful of dog hair. You know, I’d thought I’d heard something recently about absinthe making a comeback, but I was still surprised to find it advertised on Reason’s site. There’s a link to Reason online here on The V.O.T. and I occasionally check in to see what Libertarians are thinking. And it appears they’re thinking about absinthe.

I’m reminded of Vincent Price when he was touring the country with his one-man show about Oscar Wilde. I was fortunate to get my hands on a ticket, and I was so close to the stage in my university theater that when Price spoke I was the recipient of his spittle. I recall that “Wilde” drank absinthe throughout that production. I think of him when I think of absinthe, and I think of that Degas painting. Now I’ll be thinking about Libertarians.

Well, at absinthe.bz - the site prominently displayed on Reason - you can find a variety of absinthes, absinthe spoons, and absinthe recipes. As you can see, I’ve included one here. They also sell a cannabis vodka.

If the local chapter is looking for volunteers, perhaps they should consider offering refreshments at their meetings. Other than the usual brownies.

…As an eloquent speaker, Mr. Studds once even drew praise from Helen Chenoweth, then an outspoken conservative Republican from Idaho who was also known for bouffant hair. She died in a car accident earlier this month.

– The Boston Globe

When the Foley story broke recently, Chris Wallace referred to former Congressman Gerry Studds and said he was no longer living. I cocked my head like a spaniel and stared at the TV. “Huh?”

After a break, Wallace corrected himself and apologized for reporting the imaginary death. Strangely, this morning, before it was even light and before I had even brewed a pot of coffee, FNC was reporting the death (again) of Gerry Studds.

A coincidence? Or a conspiracy? Precisely what did Chris Wallace know and when did he know it?

“All members of Congress are in need of humbling experiences from time to time.”

– Gerry Studds

Now that Studds will officially be laid to rest, it would be nice if the conversation about him would die, too. If Republicans promise to stop talking about him, could Democrats just clam up about Mark Foley?

Thought not.

I caught the South Park episode about 9/11 conspiracies the other night and I wasn’t disappointed. In every episode there is at least one giant nugget of truth - sometimes several - and one of them in this installment was that one quarter of the population is retarded. Before you respond, take a moment to think of four people you know and you’ll understand the point I’m making here.

Another way to support Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s argument is to look at polls. Most poll questions are…well, retarded. And the question that comes to mind most often is this one:

Do you feel that America is headed in the wrong direction?

I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate this question because it is one of the most retarded, guaranteeing a retarded result and analysis. Just take a second and answer the question. Now analyze your own response. Why do you feel the country is headed in the wrong - or right - direction?

If someone stopped me on the street today and asked me for a quick response, I might be tempted to say America’s headed south. That would immediately be interpreted as yet another voter disillusioned and dissatisfied with the current administration. But is that what I intended to say? Not exactly, but that will be the only interpretation.

Another poll concluded that most people will vote for Democrats in November. The next poll revealed that only a handful of people know who Nancy Pelosi is. Why is this shocking? Man-on-the-street surveys continually reveal that Americans can’t name the Vice President, Secretary of State, or who ran for President in the last election.

I know a particular couple and we used to meet up for dinner occasionally. The conversation usually always ended up on politics and more than once they’d say:

“You’re a Democrat, right?”

“And why would you think that?”

“Well, you voted for Bush, didn’t you?”

“I admit that.”

“He’s a Democrat.”

Sure, there are Conservatives out there who have said the same thing, but this couple cannot be confused with that group. They’ve asked me this more than once and they always explain that they just can’t seem to keep the two parties straight. And, no, they’re not trying to make the point that there’s no real difference between them and that Republicans and Democrats are interchangeable. They’re saying that they’ve never learned the difference because, frankly, they just don’t care. I suspect they don’t get out and vote, either, because that’s one of the best ways to get familiar with the names of the people who have been elected to make decisions on your behalf.

I know people who base their vote on a name or a photo. They like or don’t like a particular name or they like or don’t like the way a candidate looks. “I don’t care what party he’s affiliated with - I won’t vote for him because he looks fill in the blank.”

Hell, I’d wager at least one in four people vote this way.

“I’m a missing link, poolroom stink, I can’t talk
(Well that’s too bad)
What’s going on, something’s wrong, I can’t work
Can’t go to school, the teacher’s a fool, the preacher’s a jerk
(Well that’s such a drag)
Got nothing to do, street-corner blues, and nowhere to walk

– “Violence,” Ian Hunter and Mick Ralphs

I heard T in the other room this morning: “We’re on the national news again.” Uh-oh. That’s never a good thing. You know that video of two Hispanic girls beating the snot out of a white girl on a school bus that they’ve been running all week? When I saw it I immediately thought: “Hmmmm. I bet that’s New Mexico.”

I was correct. So when I heard T say we were on national news again, I expected more of the same.

“Hey…isn’t this the school where we used to walk the dogs?”

Yup. And that would explain all the sirens and the sound of the ghetto bird over the house. Over 120 officers responded and three neighborhood schools were locked down today when a female student claimed that a man - all in black and wearing a ski mask - put a knife to her neck and pulled her into a room at the local middle school.

I inherited that criminal-detector gene from my mother. “The little bitch is lying.”

Harsh words, perhaps, but the story wasn’t adding up. First, how did she get away from the guy with the knife? “She made it all up and it’s going to be one really expensive fib.”

Again, do I win a prize? The girl, it turns out, has been arrested and is in police custody as I type this. It was a hoax (duh!) and the taxpayers will be footing the bill.

Gee whillikers. Do we really have to spend more money to protect these stupid little bastards?