Blair’s 16 Million Reserve or The Third Awakening
Writing by treason on Friday, 22 of September , 2006 at 10:10 am
“…and I think there’s change happening here. It seems to me that there’s a Third Awakening.”
– President George W. Bush
I watched last week as Tony Snow spelled it out in big purple crayon on a Big Chief pad to David Gregory, then watched a day later - deja vu - President Bush doing it all over again. Why are we even debating Article 3?
Cold rooms, bright lights, loud music, sleep deprivation. This is torture? No, this is the average college dormitory. We switch on The Red Hot Chili Peppers for a few terror suspects and we’re accused of inhumanity? Apartment dwellers of America - call the ACLU today! Yes, you can sue your neighbor for playing loud music and keeping you awake all night. It’s cruel, it’s unusual, it’s a lawsuit.
It reminds me that Jackass: Number Two opens in theaters today. I can’t say that I’m a big fan of Johnny Knoxville and his cohorts because it seems that whenever I watch them, they’re always rolling around with each other naked. It’s almost like The Looming Tower, which hinted that the reason people like Mohammed Atta turned to terrorism was that they had issues with their sexuality and couldn’t “relate to women.”
There might be something to this. When men spend too much time with other men they start acting strangely. Daring each other to do odd things. They wax hair off each other’s nipples, give one another paper cuts, jump off roofs, punch themselves in the nuts, eat bugs, snort hot sauce, and plot to fly planes into buildings.
Are jihadists merely jackasses?
“No one shall be subjected to torture or to inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”
Tell that to Bam Margera. We wring our hands over “harsh treatment” but watch a few episodes of Viva La Bam or Wildboyz - or even American Idol or Wife Swap - and tell me what you consider too inhuman or degrading. Bush calls coerced interrogation “the most potent tool.”
When he said that it suddenly became quite clear. I bet George (pre-Laura) engaged in some wicked hot sauce contests. T, after spending some time yesterday with male friends, returned home with two items: West African Voodoo Juice and Blair’s Jersey Death Sauce.
The Scoville scale officially measures the “pungency level” of a pepper. A jalapeno has been measured at 2500 to 10,000 Scoville units. The Death Sauce is 750 times hotter than a jalapeno. A habanero, the hottest pepper, can be 80,000 to 300,000 units. Jersey Death boasts 360,000 units.
Pure capsaicin - the chemical compound in peppers that produces “the heat” - measures 16,000,000 Scoville units. Blair, the makers of such taste treats as Mega Death, Sudden Death, and Jersey Death, are offering for a limited time only something called Blair’s 16 Million Reserve. This edition, on the Scoville scale, is 16,000,000 units. Can you say come to Jesus?
Bush talks about a Third Awakening, but if he wants more proof of it, I suggest introducing Blair products - potent tools, indeed! — to detainees. That‘ll wake ‘em up.
To be fair and remain absolutely transparent in this new program, I say we use Richard Armitage for taste tests.
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