Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town
Writing by treason on Thursday, 21 of September , 2006 at 12:48 pm
“He…he was lying naked on the broken stones…and this you won’t believe! Nobody, nobody, nobody could believe it! It looked as if - as if they had devoured him!…As if they’d torn or cut parts of him away with their hands, or with knives, or those jagged tin cans they made music with. As if they’d torn bits of him away in strips!”
– Catherine in Tennessee Williams’ Suddenly, Last Summer
Another day, another opportunity for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chavez to flap their gums. Chavez is at a Baptist Church in Harlem today, all jolly in a red shirt, offering gifts to the po’. Beware of “freebies.” Beware of Commie guttersnipes bearing them. From this moment on, I shall refer to Ahmadinejad officially as “Brownsheet” and I shall call Chavez “Redshirt.” Go ahead - be offended.
And another thing. Don’t get me wrong. I like Steve Irwin. And I’m happy that little Abby has been returned to her parents in Union, Missouri. (No surprise here: you steal a baby with a birthmark the size of a Sacagawea dollar, and you have to realize the jig is up.) But can we wrap it up, please? Just wrap it up. It’s time to start reporting some real news.
I sit here day in and day out and all I can think about is Tennessee Williams. Specifically, Sebastian and Catherine in Suddenly, Last Summer. Catherine knows what actually happened to Sebastian, but she’s being muzzled. No one wants to hear the truth - that Sebastian was picked apart like a rotisserie chicken and devoured by street urchins in Cabeza de Lobos.
Cape of the Wolves. I’m reminded of that political ad about terrorists. We’re surrounded by wolves. They’re out there, waiting to rip us apart.
But we can’t say anything bad about the wolves. They’re not wolves - they’re just big, friendly lap dogs. They’re peaceful…loving…they’re our best friends.
If they’re the dogs, why are we the ones being muzzled?
I’d like to have a salad, but I was forced to toss out all my greens. I thought I heard that they found a tadpole in the rinse water, and that was the source of the contamination. A lot of theories have been tossed around, but I haven’t yet heard anyone ask the question that’s on most people’s minds:
Are the Mexican nationals, here illegally harvesting produce, using the fields as a latrine?
Similarly, is the person who is a suspect in the dragging death of a woman in Colorado a Mexican national who is here illegally? Authorities are finding it difficult to identify the woman because she looks like a pound of ground round; yet one source reported that she is “white.” This, as far as I know, has not been confirmed. The identity of the perpetrator has not yet been confirmed, either. But if the driver is, indeed, an illegal, and his outside-the-vehicle passenger is a white woman, is this going to be called a hate crime?
Oh, I’m sorry. Is this politically incorrect? Call me Catherine. Again, I have to think of poor Sebastian, tossing coins to the starving street children in Spain. He thinks he’s doing the right thing. He thinks he’s helping. Sure, he’s bribing the little bastards because he wants something in return, but it comes back to bite him. Literally.
Is America Sebastian? No, I’m not saying America is giving money to the Third World because we want sex with little boys - but we do expect something in return for our generosity. Again, there are no freebies.
Like college students who resent their parents for dictating what they should major in because they’re writing the checks, Third World leaders bear a grudge because they think America is telling them what to do.
Parents might want to tell their children that they can do whatever they like. And that can include paying their own way. Yes, you can pay for your own education and you can go to Berkeley — and you can major in Celtic Studies and minor in Queer Studies and write your Master’s thesis on The Impact of the Black Death on Transgender Issues in 1349 Kilkenny. We support you 100%! Just not financially.
This week at the U.N., Third World leaders, like spoiled teenagers, are sulking about America acting like we’re the parents of the world. You’re not the boss of me!
Fine. Can we stop handing out all those checks now and spend our money on us?
Sebastian never saw it coming. He thought he was doing good, but the urchins turned on him and gobbled him down.
America must realize that the Third World has a peculiar palate and a voracious appetite. Guess who’s coming to dinner.
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