Writing by treason on Saturday, 30 of September , 2006 at 5:37 pm
“The latest topic to be taken up by the social-problem shows is pedophilia, which appears to be cutting across such a wide swath of America that it has taken shape in our minds as a map of flight patterns out of O’Hare. If Will Rogers never met a man he didn’t like, informed Americans have never met a man who wasn’t a child molester…”
– Florence King, “Diversity On The Prowl,” National Review/October 9, 2006
I wasn’t going to comment on Mark Foley today because I didn’t comment on Jim McGreevey’s recent pride tour, but what the heck. Here goes.
As soon as the story broke I went online and started reading e-mail excerpts. Okay, that could be perfectly innocent. He’s just taking an interest in this kid. There were words on the page, sure, but then there was…that feeling.
I called T over and asked him to read what I’d just read. He got to about the second or third line, pushed his chair back, and started to get up.
“But there’s more.”
“Nope. Don’t need to read any more.”
“But — “
“That’s all I needed to see and I don’t need to see any more.”
And that confirmed what I’d thought, too. I’m not a sixteen year-old boy, but I’ve had plenty of e-mail conversations with strangers. There’s usually a point when you get…that feeling. Generally it happens when the other person wants to know what you look like.
“Hey, send me a photo, okay?”
Innocent or not, that alarm goes off in your head. And at that point you either send a photo or you make the decision to stop communicating with the person. It’s happened to me before, and it doesn’t matter how witty, how smart, how interesting that other person seems, I’ve made the latter choice every time. No photo. It’s just…that feeling.
It’s the same feeling one of the kids who was corresponding with Foley got and he ended communications. My question is: why would any kid make the decision to continue the correspondence?
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Writing by treason on Friday, 29 of September , 2006 at 8:27 pm
“They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
– Franklin’s Contributions to the Conference on Friday, February 17, 1775
“Thirty million people now come to Britain every year. Visitors, tourists, workers, students. Our economy needs them. Two hundred twenty-seven million pass through our airports.
Yet we have no means of checking who is here lawfully.
The fundamental dilemma: how do we reconcile liberty with security in this new world?
I don’t want to live in a police state, or a Big Brother society or put any of our essential freedoms in jeopardy. But because our idea of liberty is not keeping pace with change in reality, those freedoms are in jeopardy.
When crimes go unpunished, that is a breach of the victim’s liberty and human rights.
When organized crime gangs are free to practice their evil, countless young people have their liberty and often their lives damaged.
When ASB goes unchecked, each and every member of the community in which it happens, has their human rights broken.
When we can’t deport foreign nationals even when inciting violence the country is at risk.
Immigration has benefited Britain.
But I know that if we don’t have rules that allow us some control over who comes in, goes out, who has a right to stay and who has not, then instead of a welcome, migrants find fear.
We can only protect liberty by making it relevant to the modern world.”
– Blair’s Contributions to the Annual Labour Party Conference on Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Yup, Tony’s third appearance on The V.O.T. this week, but I’ve been listening to his speeches and reading them, too, and he does have a knack for communicating big ideas simply, and in a way that sounds really good.
I actually thought I heard Bush quoting Blair today. That part about terrorism not being our fault. That we didn’t cause it. That it’s not the “consequence of foreign policy.” I was happy to hear Bush echo Blair, but I was even happier when he got warmed up and strongly stated his own views in his way. People are quick to criticize him, but once he gets fired up and passionate, Bush can communicate effectively. Between now and November, we need more of that.
The reason I’m including Blair’s statements here again is that yesterday I reached into my purse to find the senior citizen photo identification card the California DMV issued to my mother in 2003 and it wasn’t there.
Uh-oh. It’s her only form of identification outside of her flimsy Medicare card. Where the hell did it go? Did I lose it somewhere? Does someone else have it?
Proof we’ve become too dependent on cards. Driver’s license, credit, debit, insurance, discount, club membership. There’s a card for everything. And I have become overwhelmed by them. I’ve stopped shopping at stores that require them and I’m tired of carrying so many with me. If I’m in your system, can’t you just type in a code instead of asking me to show you my card?
My state just spent over a million of our tax dollars to give us a bilingual voter i.d. card that not only has inaccurate information on it, but it is still not required to display when voting. I just voted recently and the guy in line ahead of me asked the poll workers if they were going to ask to see his voter i.d. card. They said no. He asked, “Why not?” They said, “Because we don’t ask. It’s not required. But if you want to show it to us you can.”
He stared at them and finally said: “So let me get this straight. You’re telling me that I can vote but I don’t have to prove to you that I’m the person I said I am?”
“That’s right.”
No, no it’s not, actually. And here was someone besides me who was clearly upset about this. Dick Morris says voters are angry. He must have run into this guy.
When Tony Blair was delivering those remarks I included here, he was making an argument in favor of national i.d. cards. Even though I dislike the stacks of store “perks” cards, I don’t mind if I’m asked to show identification. I’m in favor of proving who I am when I vote and I’d like it to be required of others. But with all the forms of i.d. out there, how do you prevent fraud? The day after the i.d. card was invented, someone invented the fake i.d. Forged documents, false paperwork, made-up names and numbers. How will another i.d. card really solve our problems?
I carry a dozen forms of identification with me, but how does that prove who I am? I keep hearing how these cards will violate my freedom, but how will a card protect my freedom? Especially when I reach into my purse and it’s not there.
Okay, I admit it. I watch It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia and I like the show very much. Sue me. The reason I mention this is because of the recent episode about freedom: “Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody’s Ass.”
The subject of banning smoking in the bar ignited an argument in favor of smoking because we’re Americans, damn it, and we are free to smoke if we want to. So the boys decided that the bar would be the one place where patrons could be free to do whatever they pleased. If they wanted to smoke, fine. No rules, no restrictions. They were free there.
What sounded like a great idea soon turned to chaos: heroin abuse, incest, violence, dismemberment…and worse. The “freedom zone” was suddenly becoming increasingly uncomfortable and dangerous.
Maybe there is something called “too much freedom.” Just when I start thinking I’m a Libertarian, something comes up that makes me want to pull on the reins a little. Whoa…slow down there, little buckaroo. Sit down now and behave yourself.
I mentioned the other day how the Franklin quote gets tossed around a lot, but his original intent has been corrupted to fit a current argument. The world has changed. Our ideas of security and liberty have changed. Philadelphia, since 1775, has changed.
I remember talking to someone who visited the city and claimed he was mugged in front of the Liberty Bell. And he’d thought that would be the one spot in the whole town where he’d be safe.
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Writing by treason on Thursday, 28 of September , 2006 at 2:50 pm
“…And of course, the new anxiety is the global struggle against terrorism without mercy or limit.
This is a struggle that will last a generation and more. But this I believe passionately: we will not win until we shake ourselves free of the wretched capitulation to the propaganda of the enemy, that somehow we are the ones responsible.
This terrorism isn’t our fault. We didn’t cause it. It’s not the consequence of foreign policy. It’s an attack on our way of life. It’s global. It has an ideology. It killed nearly 3,000 people including over 60 British on the streets of New York before war in Afghanistan or Iraq was even thought of.
…If we retreat now, hand Iraq over to al Qaeda and sectarian death squads and Afghanistan back to al Qaeda and the Taliban, we won’t be safer; we will be committing a craven act of surrender that will put our future security in the deepest peril.
…Yes it’s hard sometimes to be America’s strongest ally. Yes, Europe can be a political headache for a proud sovereign nation like Britain.
…At the moment I know people only see the price of these alliances. Give them up and the cost in terms of power, weight and influence for Britain would be infinitely greater.
Distance this country and you may find it’s a long way back.
…As I said in 1994, courage is our friend. Caution, our enemy.
A governing Party has confidence, self-belief. It sees the tough decision and thinks it should be taking it. Reaches for responsibility first. Serves by leading.
…Government isn’t about protests or placards, shouting the odds or stealing the scene. It’s about the hard graft of achievement.
…That’s why winning matters. So keep on winning. Do it with optimism. With hope in your hearts.
Politics is not a chore. It’s the great adventure of progress.
…So: it’s up to you. You take my advice. You don’t take it. Your choice.
Whatever you do, I’m always with you. Head and heart. You’ve given me all I have ever achieved, and all that we’ve achieved, together, for the country.
Next year I won’t be making this speech. But, in the years to come, wherever I am, whatever I do. I’m with you. Wishing you well. Wanting you to win.
You’re the future now. Make the most of it.”
– Tony Blair at the Annual Labour Party Conference, September 26, 2006
“Make of our hands one hand,
Make of our hearts one heart,
Make of our vows one last vow:
Only death will part us now…
Now it begins, now we start
One hand, one heart…”
– Tony, West Side Story
“Baby, although I chose this lonely life
It seems it’s strangling me now
All the wild men with big cigars and gigantic cars
They’re all laughing at me now
Oh I’ve been used…used…
I’ve been a fool…oh what a fool
I broke all the rules…rules…yeah
But I must let the show go on
…Walking on the wire, high wire, yeah
But I must let the show go on…”
– Leo Sayer, The Show Must Go On
Back during the Clinton administration I’d look at Bill Clinton and Tony Blair and think: Separated at birth. Birds of a feather. Then something strange happened. Tony discovered that politics wasn’t a popularity contest. And ever since then he’s been…well, unpopular.
CNN wonders what’s next for Blair. United Nations Secretary General? Funny, I thought they wanted Bill in that slot. Another possibility: on the board of Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation.
I predict speaking engagements aplenty and memoirs. Blair is aware that we are living in “interesting” times and he admits “it’s hard to let go.” I actually believe he can. But it’s CNN that can’t:
“…there’s also one other option that Blair, described in The Times as a ‘dazzling showman,’ could perhaps be secretly considering. When he left the stage Tuesday to the sound of T-Rex’s ‘Get It On,’ Blair must have been taken back to his student days when he fronted a rock band called ‘Ugly Rumours.’
With Blair’s early inspiration Mick Jagger and the rest of the Rolling Stones still going strong well into their sixties, perhaps it’s time for a Rumours revival — with Bill (Clinton) on sax.”
Again, CNN has missed the point. Tony Blair, unlike Bill Clinton, has become an adult.
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Writing by treason on Wednesday, 27 of September , 2006 at 4:33 pm
“I sat in the company of the most normal people I had met in the Labour Party. They taught me that most of politics isn’t about politics, in the sense of meetings, resolutions, speeches or even Parties. It starts with people.
It’s about friendship, art, culture, sport. It’s about being a fully paid up member of the human race before being a fully paid up member of the Labour Party…”
– Tony Blair at the Annual Labour Party Conference, September 26, 2006
“…Vesti la giubba
E la faccia infarina.
La gente paga
E rider vuole qua…
Tramuta in lazzi lo spasmo
Ed il pianto…
Ridi, Pagliacco…
Ridi del duol
Che t’avvelena il cor!”
– Ruggiero Leoncavallo
“…Baby, there’s an enormous crowd of people
And they’re all after my blood
I wish maybe they’d tear down the walls of this theater
And let me out…let me out…
But I must let the show go on…”
– Leo Sayer
I was getting all worked up over that story about the parent in Texas who complained to the school board after her kid’s art teacher took the class to a museum and exposed them to - gasp! - a nude sculpture. Then there was Bill Maher complaining about CBS’ censorship of his religious views — yet he disagrees with Rosie O’Donnell’s recent comments comparing radical Christianity and radical Islam. And then there was Tony Blair’s speech yesterday.
With so much to get riled up about, I chose…to listen to opera. I remember my mother always saying how her father, when he was young and poor, would go without food just so he could go to the opera in Rome. By bus, by train, by goat - it didn’t matter. He would save every cent for the music, the spectacle, the joy of opera. My mother was in the car one day, so I thought I’d play a little Cecilia Bartoli for her.
“Bitch sounds like she’s in pain. Turn that crap off.”
I guess opera appreciation must skip a generation. Don’t misunderstand - I’m no expert when it comes to opera. In fact, I envy people who really know it. Someone who worked at the non-profit with me really knew it. Loved it. Ate it, breathed it. He performed, he directed, he could recognize the most obscure aria. I tell you, I was sick with jealousy.
My taste in food is complex, refined; but my taste in opera is probably more like a little kid’s. When it comes to opera, I like Spaghetti-O’s. Maybe it’s because of that old TV commercial, but to this day I have a soft spot for Leoncavallo’s Pagliacci.
“No more Rice Krispies!
We’re all out of Rice Krispies!
My tears will not stop,
’til I hear snap, crackle, pop…”
When I was younger I listened to Wagner, and in college I was part of the stage crew for Mozart’s The Magic Flute. My job was to sit under the stage, in the dungeon, during every performance and “drop” a portion of the stage into the dungeon, making the singers magically “disappear.” I sat down there night after night, listening to Papageno and Papagena. It’s no wonder that today my tastes lean towards Puccini.
Remember the scene in Philadelphia when Andrew Beckett (Tom Hanks) exposes Joe Miller (Denzel Washington) to his favorite aria, La Mamma Morta?
Picture Maria Callas as Maddalena, maybe at the Teatro Alla Scala:
“They killed my mother
Close by the doorway leading to
my chamber.
In dying,she saved my life…
My home, my well-loved home,
Was burnt to ashes.
I was alone.
I had no shelter.
Hungry and needy, danger
haunted my footsteps…”
That particular aria doesn’t produce the same reaction in me that it did in Beckett, but there are several that do. There are pieces that can just about lift a person off the ground. (I still get all goosebumpy when I hear Pavarotti sing Nessun Dorma.) But think of all the students agonizing through the series of required “appreciation” courses in art and music, and - to some degree - literature and history.
What is learned here is valuable: like Tony Blair says, “It’s about being a fully paid up member of the human race.” It’s that element that makes you sick to your stomach when you see the two thousand year-old Bamiyan Buddhas blown to bits by the Taliban.
“All we are breaking are stones.”
That’s a Taliban education for you.
And now Mozart’s Idomeneo has been yanked in Berlin. In it, King Idomeneo displays the severed heads of Poseidon, Muhammad, Jesus, and Buddha. No word from Ancient Greeks on this, and Catholics and Buddhists seem unfazed. However…
Kirsten Harms, director of Berlin’s Deutsche Opera, decided to cancel the production after “weighing artistic freedom and freedom of a theater … against the question of security for people’s lives.”
Would Muslims really take issue with this opera? No one wants to tempt fate. No one wants to provoke the nutcases.
Tony Blair is correct. Art is a human thing. And part of being human is having a sense of humor. Blair hasn’t lost his and it’s probably the thing that keeps him going. Music may soothe the savage breast, but humor plays a role, too. It can keep a person reasonable.
“Our ideas about openness, tolerance and freedom must be lived on the offensive. Voluntary self-limitation gives those who fight against our values a confirmation in advance that we will not stand behind them.”
– Mayor Klaus Wowereit
“Problems cannot be solved by keeping silent. When the concern over possible protests leads to self-censorship, then the democratic culture of free speech becomes endangered.”
– Bernd Neumann, Germany’s top cultural official
So what is this new feature? HWPOMTW means How We Pissed Off Muslims This Week. This week we wanted to stage an opera. But we didn’t. We canceled it.
Maybe art’s a problem for these people because it’s so human. Today I started by posting a piece from Blair’s speech, a portion of an opera, and an old song from the seventies.
How do these relate? Blair explains that it’s not just a matter of politics. It’s important to remember the human element. Art…sports…whatever brings you joy and makes you a fuller, more rounded human being. Then Canio, in Pagliacci, sings:
“Put on your costume
And powder your face.
The audience pays
And wants to laugh…
Turn into jest
Your anguish and your sorrow…
Laugh, clown,
Laugh at the pain
Which poisons your heart!”
Leo Sayer borrowed from Pagliacci when he used to perform “The Show Must Go On” in clown make-up. Reminiscent of Godspell, that clown make-up.
Cole Porter’s advice: Act the fool, play the calf, and you’ll always have the last laugh. Be a clown.
One wonders what Muslims are allowed to find amusing. What’s funny? Brigitte Gabriel (Because They Hate) describes what radicals did to families: they’d take an infant’s legs - tie one to its father, one to its mother, then pull the parents in opposite directions until the infant was ripped apart.
Perhaps this is funny if you’re a radical Muslim. Obviously this is not offensive to them, yet the depiction of the severed head of Muhammed is. So we cave. We cancel an opera.
Frankly, I’m with Angela Merkel, Leo Sayer, and scores of actors on this one. The show must go on.
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Writing by treason on Tuesday, 26 of September , 2006 at 11:57 am
Q: …And to President Karzai, if I might, what do you think of President Musharraf’s comments that you need to get to know your own country better when you’re talking about where terror threats and the Taliban threat is coming from?
PRESIDENT KARZAI: Ma’am, before I go to remarks by my brother, President Musharraf, terrorism was hurting us way before Iraq or September 11th. The President mentioned some examples of it. These extremist forces were killing people in Afghanistan and around for years, closing schools, burning mosques, killing children, uprooting vineyards, with vine trees, grapes hanging on them, forcing populations to poverty and misery.
They came to America on September 11th, but they were attacking you before September 11th in other parts of the world. We are a witness in Afghanistan to what they are and how they can hurt. You are a witness in New York. Do you forget people jumping off the 80th floor or 70th floor when the planes hit them? Can you imagine what it will be for a man or a woman to jump off that high? Who did that? And where are they now? And how do we fight them, how do we get rid of them, other than going after them? Should we wait for them to come and kill us again? That’s why we need more action around the world, in Afghanistan and elsewhere, to get them defeated — extremism, their allies, terrorists and the like.
On the remarks of my brother, President Musharraf, Afghanistan is a country that is emerging out of so many years of war and destruction, and occupation by terrorism and misery that they’ve brought to us. We lost almost two generations to the lack of education. And those who were educated before that are now older. We know our problems. We have difficulties. But Afghanistan also knows where the problem is — in extremism, in madrassas preaching hatred, preachers in the name of madrassas preaching hatred. That’s what we should do together to stop.
The United States, as our ally, is helping both countries. And I think it is very important that we have more dedication and more intense work with sincerity, all of us, to get rid of the problems that we have around the world.
That was an Afghan bitch slap: well-timed and well-deserved. “They came to America on September 11th, but they were attacking you before September 11th in other parts of the world.” In other words, what aren’t you getting about this war? Wake up! Cock-a-doodle-doo.
Karzai’s remarks again reminded me of September 11, 2001 and how, at the end of that day, Tony Snow on FNC tried to put the events into perspective and summarize what exactly had happened to us. He started strong - with facts - holding himself together and listing the moments witnessed earlier in the day. And then he started to talk about the people in the towers who were put in the position, not of their choice, of deciding which was better: leap from a window or burn to death? People - possibly strangers to one another - who made these decisions quickly, held hands, and jumped to avoid the extreme heat that was melting the building they were in. And that’s when Tony Snow lost it. It’s when I lost it. When the shock of the day wore off and the reality of falling bodies made the situation crystal clear.
How is it that Harmid Karzai understands this more fully than those who were right there, watching, on that day?
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Writing by treason on Monday, 25 of September , 2006 at 2:34 pm
Did I just hear a report that British authorities have to first consult a panel of Muslims before they investigate terror suspects? Doesn’t that smack of asking for permission? (”Excuse me, how would you feel if we asked this gentleman why he had blueprints of Buckingham Palace and 50,000 pounds of explosives in his possession? Oh. You’ll kill our mothers and sisters if we even consider it? All right, then. How ’bout this bloke with all the e-mail about plans to knock off the Pope? No? All right, then…”)
Man, this is too much like ABC getting approval from Clintonites before airing The Path To 9/11. (”This good? No? Edit some more? You’ll do what with our broadcast license?”)
It’s just so unfortunate that Bill’s in the news again thanks to FNC. Now we’re forced to spend untold hours analyzing his behavior…or misbehavior…and ask: Was it calculated or did he lose control? Don’t know, don’t care.
All that performance did was remind me of the time he grabbed a “lackey” by the scruff of the neck and shook him in front of TV cameras. It’s real easy to find details of LBJ flashing scars to reporters and lifting Him and Her up by their ears, but just try to find the particulars of this little incident.
Maybe someone can remember if it was Inauguration Day. I can see Bill and Hillary and some kid (a Clinton aide, maybe?), and Bill - red-faced, classless bully that he is - grab this poor guy by the collar and shake him. No, I didn’t imagine it. Someone else out there had to see that and can recall the details.
For me they’re a little blurry because, frankly, I’ve tried to put the long eight-year national nightmare out of my mind and move on. Something, evidently, Bill just cannot seem to do.
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Writing by treason on Sunday, 24 of September , 2006 at 6:31 pm
“…Well, when you are president, you can operate on a much broader scope. So, for example, you can simultaneously be trying to stop a genocide in Kosovo and, you know, make peace in the Middle East, pass a budget that gives millions of kids a chance to have afterschool programs and has a huge increase in college aid at home. In other words, you’ve got a lot of different moving parts, and you can move them all at once.”
– Bill Clinton to FNC’s Chris Wallace
Regarding that interview with Chris Wallace today:
It’s spooky, but like Islamofascists, Bill and Hillary seem to blame everyone else for what happens to them and react violently when something is said about them that they don’t like. But that’s old news. The good part is this:
Thank you, Bill, for reminding us all again of your “moving parts” and assuring the world that the V.R.W.C. (Vast Right Wing Conspiracy) is alive and well and working hard to make your life a hell and spoil your legacy. I feel so much better now. As a proud member of the V.R.W.C., I was convinced that the movement was over. I stopped getting membership renewals in the mail years ago.
This is great news. Can I now count on daily e-mail messages from the V.R.W.C. and a renewal form? Wow! I can’t wait for my free T-shirt and secret decoder ring! (I broke my first one back in October 1996 when I slipped, fell on the kitchen floor, and smashed my hand against the dishwasher. Back during the VP debate. I was running for a bottle of Wild Turkey Rare Breed after always affable Jack Kemp all but told America that he‘d vote for Algore. I was wearing socks, hit the linoleum, and the ring just snapped. Happily, the Rare Breed remained intact.)
A note to the V.R.W.C.: I’d like another size 6, please. Oh - and perhaps you guys could consider sturdier materials what with elections coming up and all. Also, could you let Karl know I think he looks great? Thanks, and I look forward to hearing from you soon!
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Writing by treason on Saturday, 23 of September , 2006 at 5:12 pm
When I sat down to compile my playlist, I started writing down titles of songs I really disliked. Let’s see…Christina, Mariah, Britney, this girl group, that girl group…and then I realized that terrorists, in general, seem to hate the things I like.
I pulled Brother Louie and half a dozen other songs off the list and started replacing them with ones I really like. But I had to keep a few on there that are, for me, well - sorry, John McCain - torture.
Given the choice between listening to some of these tunes (loud and over and over and over again) and twenty-four seconds of waterboarding…well, you can take a look at the list and decide for yourself.
I won’t say which ones they are, but it’s probably like eight of the twenty. Here goes:
20. Copacabana - Barry Manilow
“Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl
With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there…”
19. Tom’s Diner - Suzanne Vega
“I am sitting
In the morning
At the diner
On the corner
I am waiting
At the counter
For the man
To pour the coffee
And he fills it
Only halfway…”
18. Brand New Key - Melanie
“I ride my bike, I roller skate, don’t drive no car
Don’t go too fast, but I go pretty far
For somebody who don’t drive
I been all around the world
Some people say, I done all right for a girl…”
17. O Superman - Laurie Anderson
“Hello? Is anybody home? Well, you don’t know me,
But I know you.
And I’ve got a message to give to you.
Here come the planes…”
16. Rag Doll - Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons
“When she was just a kid her clothes were hand me downs
They always laughed at her when she came into town
Called her rag doll, little rag doll
Such a pretty face should be dressed in lace…”
15. Like A Virgin - Madonna
“Gonna give you all my love, boy
My fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you
‘Cause only love can last…”
14. Who Let The Dogs Out? - Baha Men
“Who let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the dogs out (woof, woof, woof, woof)”
13. Heart of Gold - Neil Young
“I’ve been to Hollywood
I’ve been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold
I’ve been in my mind, it’s such a fine line
That keeps me searching for a heart of gold
And I’m getting old…”
12. Lightnin’ Strikes - Lou Christie
“Lightning is striking again
Lightning is striking again
And again and again and again
Lightning is striking again
And again and again and again…”
11. Macarena - Los Del Rio
“When I dance they call me macarena
And the boys they say that Iīm buena
They all want me, they canīt have me
So they all come and dance beside me…”
10. Undercover Angel - Alan O’Day
“Undercover angel, midnight fantasy,
I never had a dream that made sweet love to me.
Undercover angel, answer to my prayer,
You made me know that there’s a love for me out there…”
9. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus
“But don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
I just don’t think it’d understand
And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
He might blow up and kill this man…”
8. Gloria - Patti Smith
“Jesus died for somebody’s sins but not mine
Meltin’ in a pot of thieves
Wild card up my sleeve
Thick heart of stone
My sins my own
They belong to me, me
People say beware!
But I don’t care
The words are just
Rules and regulations to me, me…”
7. Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey - Wings
“We’re so sorry Uncle Albert
We’re so sorry if we caused you any pain
We’re so sorry Uncle Albert
But there’s no one left at home
And I believe I’m gonna rain…”
6. Barbie Girl - Aqua
“I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world
Life in plastic, it’s fantastic!
You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation
Come on Barbie, let’s go party!”
5. Una Paloma Blanca - Slim Whitman
“Once I had my share of losing
For they locked me on a chain,
Yes they tried to break my power
Oh I still can feel the pain…”
4. The Happiest Girl In The Whole U.S.A. — Donna Fargo
“Now shine on me sunshine
Walk with me world
It’s a skippity-doo-dah day
I’m the happiest girl, in the whole U.S.A…”
3. People Who Died — The Jim Carroll Band
“G-berg and Georgie let their gimmicks go rotten
So they died of hepatitis in upper Manhattan
Sly in Vietnam took a bullet in the head
Bobby OD’d on Drano on the night that he was wed
They were two more friends of mine
Two more friends that died…”
2. Afternoon Delight - Starlight Vocal Band
“Thinkin’ of you’s workin’ up my appetite
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight.
Rubbin’ sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite
And the thought of rubbin’ you is getting so exciting.
Sky rockets in flight…”
1. Seasons In The Sun — Terry Jacks
“Goodbye my friend, it’s hard to die,
When all the birds are singing in the sky,
Now that the spring is in the air.
Pretty girls are everywhere.
When you see them I’ll be there.
We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
But the hills that we climbed
Were just seasons out of time…”
I truly believe a couple of these would have pushed Khalid Sheikh Mohammed right over the edge. “Go ahead, kill my children! They will see Allah before I see him! But please, in the name of the Prophet (peace be upon him), please do not force me to listen to that “skippity-doo-dah” song again! I swear on the graves of my children I will tell you everything I know!”
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Writing by treason on Friday, 22 of September , 2006 at 10:10 am
“…and I think there’s change happening here. It seems to me that there’s a Third Awakening.”
– President George W. Bush
I watched last week as Tony Snow spelled it out in big purple crayon on a Big Chief pad to David Gregory, then watched a day later - deja vu - President Bush doing it all over again. Why are we even debating Article 3?
Cold rooms, bright lights, loud music, sleep deprivation. This is torture? No, this is the average college dormitory. We switch on The Red Hot Chili Peppers for a few terror suspects and we’re accused of inhumanity? Apartment dwellers of America - call the ACLU today! Yes, you can sue your neighbor for playing loud music and keeping you awake all night. It’s cruel, it’s unusual, it’s a lawsuit.
It reminds me that Jackass: Number Two opens in theaters today. I can’t say that I’m a big fan of Johnny Knoxville and his cohorts because it seems that whenever I watch them, they’re always rolling around with each other naked. It’s almost like The Looming Tower, which hinted that the reason people like Mohammed Atta turned to terrorism was that they had issues with their sexuality and couldn’t “relate to women.”
There might be something to this. When men spend too much time with other men they start acting strangely. Daring each other to do odd things. They wax hair off each other’s nipples, give one another paper cuts, jump off roofs, punch themselves in the nuts, eat bugs, snort hot sauce, and plot to fly planes into buildings.
Are jihadists merely jackasses?
“No one shall be subjected to torture or to inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.”
Tell that to Bam Margera. We wring our hands over “harsh treatment” but watch a few episodes of Viva La Bam or Wildboyz - or even American Idol or Wife Swap - and tell me what you consider too inhuman or degrading. Bush calls coerced interrogation “the most potent tool.”
When he said that it suddenly became quite clear. I bet George (pre-Laura) engaged in some wicked hot sauce contests. T, after spending some time yesterday with male friends, returned home with two items: West African Voodoo Juice and Blair’s Jersey Death Sauce.
The Scoville scale officially measures the “pungency level” of a pepper. A jalapeno has been measured at 2500 to 10,000 Scoville units. The Death Sauce is 750 times hotter than a jalapeno. A habanero, the hottest pepper, can be 80,000 to 300,000 units. Jersey Death boasts 360,000 units.
Pure capsaicin - the chemical compound in peppers that produces “the heat” - measures 16,000,000 Scoville units. Blair, the makers of such taste treats as Mega Death, Sudden Death, and Jersey Death, are offering for a limited time only something called Blair’s 16 Million Reserve. This edition, on the Scoville scale, is 16,000,000 units. Can you say come to Jesus?
Bush talks about a Third Awakening, but if he wants more proof of it, I suggest introducing Blair products - potent tools, indeed! — to detainees. That‘ll wake ‘em up.
To be fair and remain absolutely transparent in this new program, I say we use Richard Armitage for taste tests.
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Writing by treason on Thursday, 21 of September , 2006 at 12:48 pm
“He…he was lying naked on the broken stones…and this you won’t believe! Nobody, nobody, nobody could believe it! It looked as if - as if they had devoured him!…As if they’d torn or cut parts of him away with their hands, or with knives, or those jagged tin cans they made music with. As if they’d torn bits of him away in strips!”
– Catherine in Tennessee Williams’ Suddenly, Last Summer
Another day, another opportunity for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chavez to flap their gums. Chavez is at a Baptist Church in Harlem today, all jolly in a red shirt, offering gifts to the po’. Beware of “freebies.” Beware of Commie guttersnipes bearing them. From this moment on, I shall refer to Ahmadinejad officially as “Brownsheet” and I shall call Chavez “Redshirt.” Go ahead - be offended.
And another thing. Don’t get me wrong. I like Steve Irwin. And I’m happy that little Abby has been returned to her parents in Union, Missouri. (No surprise here: you steal a baby with a birthmark the size of a Sacagawea dollar, and you have to realize the jig is up.) But can we wrap it up, please? Just wrap it up. It’s time to start reporting some real news.
I sit here day in and day out and all I can think about is Tennessee Williams. Specifically, Sebastian and Catherine in Suddenly, Last Summer. Catherine knows what actually happened to Sebastian, but she’s being muzzled. No one wants to hear the truth - that Sebastian was picked apart like a rotisserie chicken and devoured by street urchins in Cabeza de Lobos.
Cape of the Wolves. I’m reminded of that political ad about terrorists. We’re surrounded by wolves. They’re out there, waiting to rip us apart.
But we can’t say anything bad about the wolves. They’re not wolves - they’re just big, friendly lap dogs. They’re peaceful…loving…they’re our best friends.
If they’re the dogs, why are we the ones being muzzled?
I’d like to have a salad, but I was forced to toss out all my greens. I thought I heard that they found a tadpole in the rinse water, and that was the source of the contamination. A lot of theories have been tossed around, but I haven’t yet heard anyone ask the question that’s on most people’s minds:
Are the Mexican nationals, here illegally harvesting produce, using the fields as a latrine?
Similarly, is the person who is a suspect in the dragging death of a woman in Colorado a Mexican national who is here illegally? Authorities are finding it difficult to identify the woman because she looks like a pound of ground round; yet one source reported that she is “white.” This, as far as I know, has not been confirmed. The identity of the perpetrator has not yet been confirmed, either. But if the driver is, indeed, an illegal, and his outside-the-vehicle passenger is a white woman, is this going to be called a hate crime?
Oh, I’m sorry. Is this politically incorrect? Call me Catherine. Again, I have to think of poor Sebastian, tossing coins to the starving street children in Spain. He thinks he’s doing the right thing. He thinks he’s helping. Sure, he’s bribing the little bastards because he wants something in return, but it comes back to bite him. Literally.
Is America Sebastian? No, I’m not saying America is giving money to the Third World because we want sex with little boys - but we do expect something in return for our generosity. Again, there are no freebies.
Like college students who resent their parents for dictating what they should major in because they’re writing the checks, Third World leaders bear a grudge because they think America is telling them what to do.
Parents might want to tell their children that they can do whatever they like. And that can include paying their own way. Yes, you can pay for your own education and you can go to Berkeley — and you can major in Celtic Studies and minor in Queer Studies and write your Master’s thesis on The Impact of the Black Death on Transgender Issues in 1349 Kilkenny. We support you 100%! Just not financially.
This week at the U.N., Third World leaders, like spoiled teenagers, are sulking about America acting like we’re the parents of the world. You’re not the boss of me!
Fine. Can we stop handing out all those checks now and spend our money on us?
Sebastian never saw it coming. He thought he was doing good, but the urchins turned on him and gobbled him down.
America must realize that the Third World has a peculiar palate and a voracious appetite. Guess who’s coming to dinner.
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