Have a jolly Kwaliramahanumas
Writing by treason on Thursday, 22 of December , 2005 at 11:03 am
T and I have been discussing the War on Christmas. He says there’s no such war because no one is keeping anyone from saying Merry Christmas. Keep in mind that T is an atheist. During a recent new story about a nativity scene in Ohio - I think - that has had baby Jesus stolen not once, but twice, I blurted:
“Why don’t they just nail him to his manger?”
I immediately froze in horror. T almost fell off the couch laughing. And that sums up just one of the great problems with religion. People who don’t like it don’t like it because of what they perceive as a lack of humor. My theory is that God does have a sense of humor (think duckbill platypus), so a little sacrilege here and there isn’t going to set him off.
With that in mind, T and I have introduced a new holiday to celebrate that should please both secular progressives and the believers. It combines Kwanzaa, Diwali, Ramadan, Hanukkah, and Christmas. And there’s an official carol that can be sung to the perennial favorite, “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas.”
Have a jolly Kwaliramahanumas
It’s the best time of the year!
Well I don’t know if there’ll be snow
But have a keg of beer
Have a jolly Kwaliramahanumas
And in case you didn’t hear
Oh bygolly have a jolly Kwaliramahanumas
This year!
T has offered another composition: “Oy Vey In a Manger.”
This has been a test of the Emergency Yuletide System. If you have been offended, ask yourself why. I know I was offended when I heard that for a performance in its “winter program,” a Wisconsin elementary school changed “Silent Night” to something more secular: “Cold in the Night.”
Cold in the night, no one in sight,
Winter winds whirl and bite,
How I wish I were happy and warm,
Safe with my family out of the storm.
Let’s review the lyrics to “Silent Night” for a moment.
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace
Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!
Christ, the Saviour is born
Christ, the Saviour is born
Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love’s pure light
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
First of all, can I say how much I hate the new lyrics? Is it me, or there something nefarious about them? Something’s out there and it’s going to get you, so hope that you’re someplace safe…and warm! Ugh - creepy. And frankly, the new lyrics are just…bad.
Remember that I was raised in a Jewish neighborhood on Chicago’s North Side. Most of my classmates were Jewish and so were many of my teachers. Where did I learn all the Christmas music that I still know today? Other than from Bing Crosby and the Andrews Sisters? Why, from public school, of course! I distinctly remember my teachers and classmates singing Christmas carols - with all the original lyrics - and not one teacher prefaced the songs with a message about insensitivity towards the other faiths at the school. All the kids and teachers of different faiths sang the same songs and if I remember correctly, we all seemed to enjoy it.
At home I was being raised by a lapsed Catholic mother. There were no religious symbols in our apartment. No crosses, no pictures of Jesus, no murals of The Last Supper, no statues. My mother hated that stuff. She said it gave her the creeps and it was bad luck to have it in the house.
In our apartment windows during the holiday season we hung big illuminated Santa faces. Yes, really big light up Santa faces. My mother’s Christmas motif was always Santa. We had Santa mugs, too. There may have been a wreath on the door. There was a tree and a color wheel. (Still love those color wheels.)
But what I remember most was walking down the street at night - those cold Chicago winter nights - with the moonlight and the snow, and looking up at the other apartment windows and seeing the menorahs. I remember the quiet, the stillness. The simplicity of a single symbol placed in a window. Every night another candle lit. It was tasteful. It was beautiful. It was Christmas.
But back to those idiots in Wisconsin. Their winter program included Santa Claus, Kwanzaa symbols, menorahs and La Befana. La Befana? Yes, a mythical witch that’s a part of traditional Christmas celebrations in Italy. Funny, my Italian mother never mentioned any witch other than her sister Helen. (And I always liked Helen.)
A statement was issued:
“The law is clear - Christmas is constitutional. When a public school intentionally mocks Christian Christmas songs by secularizing their content, they cross the line from a neutral position, which the Constitution requires, to a hostile position, which the Constitution forbids. Changing ‘Silent Night’ to ‘Cold in the Night’ - come on, let’s stop this madness! Does the school not realize that Christmas is a national holiday?”
Frankly, it doesn’t matter if you’re a Catholic, a Methodist, a Jew, a Buddhist, or a Muslim. Those new lyrics are tasteless and offensive. But call me biased; I never met a Christmas carol I didn’t like. And it appears that the school has restored the original lyrics. Good call.
As for me, I always put a simple wreath on the front door. Inside, I display any cards we receive. Understated. Perhaps, too understated. I’ve noticed Annie’s parents, the Jewish Republicans who live down the hill, have more decorations than we do. In fact, they have a light up snowman in the front yard that looks like an enormous Swarovski crystal Christmas pin. It’s just wonderful.
We walk the dogs at night and I look at the decorated trees inside the houses. I see all the lights, the inflatables, the nativity scenes, the sleighs and reindeer, the luminaria, the candy canes - all of it. All the symbols of the season and I love them all. My wish is that everyone would enjoy them as much as I do.
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