The Voice of Treason

I’m paring down my magazine subscriptions again. Essentially, there are four reasons to do this:

1. Finances - One way to save a few bucks is to reduce the number of subscriptions coming to the house.
2. Taste - What sounded like a good magazine to subscribe to then isn’t necessarily good now.
3. Time - It’s not good to go to the mailbox and pull out a new issue when the previous one still hasn’t been read.
4. Clutter - I tend to hold on to magazines long after I’ve read them. I’m guessing I have several administrations worth of NR.

I do this periodically. No pun intended. The last time I did a major subscription reduction was back when I was forced to choose between National Review and The American Spectator. Tyrrell’s magazine was a hoot during the Clinton years and I always looked forward to reading Ben Stein. But I let it go and kept NR. Why? Simple. It’s consistency. The American Spectator changed its look a few times during my subscription period. I’d purchased two T-shirts from the publication and the designs are dramatically different. I have several NR T-shirts and sweatshirts, and the designs are identical. The look of NR has remained virtually unchanged. Sure, there has been some minor tweaking, but I think I can pull a fifteen year old issue out of a box and compare it to the current one and see very little difference cosmetically. I like that. Says that the magazine is confident, secure, and happy with its look. Why? Because it knows that what’s important is on the inside.

And let me tell you, what’s on the inside of the current (December 5) issue is pure gold.
I walk half a block to our community mailbox and when there’s an issue of NR, I’ll start reading it as soon as I take it out. Someday I’m going to be reading it as I’m walking back to the house and I’m either going to trip and injure myself, or I’m going to walk in front of a car. Actually, it wouldn’t be a bad way to go. Hopefully, I’ll have Rob Long’s page read before the car hits me.

I always recommend NR to liberal friends and acquaintances, but I don’t think any have subscribed. I support a couple gift subscriptions and if I had some real money I’d send subscriptions to schools and businesses around the world. Money well spent, I say.

One of the original links here at The V.O.T. was for NR. Love the quality of the magazine and its contributors, and I adore the humor. NR is a very amusing read. The line about Barbra Streisand in the current issue had me giggling for days. Subtle humor. But deadly, wickedly funny.

It’s not fair, really. Liberals tell me I should read one of their periodicals, and I’m up for anything. Years ago I even subscribed to a few, including The Atlantic Monthly and The Advocate. Some very good articles. Around that time I was subscribing to Drummer, too, but then my best friend Jack was very into leather. More about Jack later this week. (Tomorrow’s World AIDS Day, so I’m thinking a lot about my friend.)

Yes, my tastes are eclectic, but I’m also open to reading the other side. The problem is, I admit, that I’ve become less open recently. Two reasons: time and quality. There’s just too much to read out there. It’s not like you can pick up The Nation or The New Republic and be done. There are so many magazines and blogs to choose from. And that leads to the quality issue. Life is short. You only have so much time, so you’re forced to narrow it down.

So if tomorrow I was told that I could read only one magazine for the rest of my life, it would be NR. Consistency is the key. Anyone who lives with dogs or children or works at a business knows the importance - the value - of consistency. And National Review has been consistency good all these years. The magazine recently celebrated its 50th anniversary. Here’s to the next fifty, Bill. Cheers.

Someone should bitch slap Randy Cunningham. Now, because he had to be greedy, corrupt, and stupid, we have to put up with Nancy Pelosi and her lecture about Republicans and their “culture of corruption.”

Republicans just can’t win. If one of them gets involved in a shady business deal or takes a bribe, then the Dems can say, “See? Didn’t we tell you they’re all greedy, money-grubbing liars?” Another gets caught with his pants down and it’s, “See? Didn’t we tell you they were all hypocrites? Family values? Ha!”

Democrats screw up all the time - the list in my state gets longer every day - but do we hear about it? I’m still waiting for national coverage of our state treasury scandal. If those involved had Rs after their names, I can guarantee there’d be plenty of exposure on CNN.

Yeah, I’m partisan, so when I hear that a politician is in trouble I always listen for the party affiliation. If I don’t hear it, I know the person is a Democrat. Why? Because if it’s a crooked Republican, the media makes sure the party’s mentioned repeatedly. I’m not paranoid: Do the test yourself.

So annoyed was I about Pelosi’s remarks, that I started a list of party criminals. About the time I was halfway through the Clinton administration, I’d turned on Rush for background noise and discovered that he had been doing the same thing. Thank yew!

Rush and his crew did some quick and impressive research - I’d forgotten about some of these malefactors. He listed and explained the crimes of each person - Democrat and Republican. Dems are definitely in the lead when it comes to corruption, but that doesn’t make it any better when the other side does something stupid.

Cunningham is going to spill the beans and implicate others before this is over. I just want to shake these idiots until their necks snap. Again, I look at the lists of political offenders and see that Democrats are in the lead. And I think of what Thomas Sowell says:

“Democrats. The only reason to vote for Republicans.”

If Republicans don’t watch it, they’ll soon be the reason to vote for Libertarians.

The following is essentially the Reader’s Digest version of the President’s speech today in Tucson:

“Securing our border is essential to securing the homeland…I have a solemn duty, and so do the members of the United States Congress, to protect our nation, our Constitution, and our laws. Our border and immigration security officers devote themselves to those same missions every single day.

America has always been a compassionate nation that values the newcomer and takes great pride in our immigrant heritage; yet we’re also a nation built on the rule of law, and those who enter the country illegally violate the law. The American people should not have to choose between a welcoming society and a lawful society. We can have both at the same time. And to keep the promise of America, we will enforce the laws of our country.

As a former governor, I know that enforcing the law and the border is especially important to the communities along the border…Illegal immigration is a serious challenge. And our responsibility is clear: We are going to protect the border.

We have a comprehensive strategy to reform our immigration system. We’re going to secure the border by catching those who enter illegally, and hardening the border to prevent illegal crossings. We’re going to strengthen enforcement of our immigration laws within our country. And together with Congress, we’re going to create a temporary worker program that will take pressure off the border, bring workers from out of the shadows, and reject amnesty.

Our strategy for comprehensive immigration reforms begins by securing the border. Now, let me talk to you about a three-part plan. The first part of the plan is to promptly return every illegal entrant we catch at the border, with no exceptions.

The second part of our plan is to strengthen border — to strengthen border enforcement is to correct weak and unnecessary provisions in our immigration laws…We need to address the cycle of endless litigation that clogs our immigration courts and delays justice for immigrants. Congress needs to put an end to this cycle of needless litigation and deliver reforms necessary to help us secure this border.

The third part of our plan to strengthen border enforcement is to stop people from crossing the border illegally in the first place. And we’re increasing manpower. We’re increasing technology and infrastructure across this border. We’re integrating these resources in ways we have never done before.

In some places, the most effective way to secure the border is to construct physical barriers to entry. The legislation I signed last month includes $70 million to install and improve protective infrastructure across this border….In urban areas, we’re expanding fencing to shut down access to human smuggling corridors.

As we work to secure the border, comprehensive immigration reform also requires us to improve enforcement of our laws in the interior of the country. Catching and deporting illegal immigrants along the border is only part of the responsibility. America’s immigration laws apply across all of America, and we will enforce those laws throughout our land. Better interior enforcement begins with better work site enforcement. American businesses have an obligation to abide by the law, and our government has the responsibility to help them do so.

We’re confronting the problem of document fraud, as well. We’ll continue to work to stop document fraud, to make it easier for America’s businesses to comply with our immigration laws…As we enforce our immigration laws, comprehensive immigration reform also requires us to improve those laws by creating a new temporary worker program. This program would create a legal way to match willing foreign workers with willing American employers to fill jobs that Americans will not do. Workers would be able to register for legal status for a fixed period of time, and then be required to go home. This program would help meet the demands of a growing economy, and it would allow honest workers to provide for their families while respecting the law.

This plan would also help us relieve pressure on the border. By creating a legal channel for those who enter America to do an honest day’s labor, we would reduce the number of workers trying to sneak across the border. This would free up law enforcement officials to focus on criminals, drug dealers, terrorists and others that mean to harm us. Our plan would create a tamper-proof identification card for the temporary legal worker, which, of course, would improve work site enforcement.

Listen, there’s a lot of opinions on this proposal — I understand that. But people in this debate must recognize that we will not be able to effectively enforce our immigration laws until we create a temporary worker program. The program that I proposed would not create an automatic path to citizenship, it wouldn’t provide for amnesty — I oppose amnesty. Rewarding those who have broken the law would encourage others to break the law and keep pressure on our border. But for the sake of justice and for the sake of border security, I’m not going to sign an immigration bill that includes amnesty.

See, we have a chance to move beyond the old and tired choices of the immigration debate, and come together on a strategy to enforce our laws, secure our country, and uphold our deepest values.
We make good progress, but you know like I know, there’s a lot more to be done. And we’ve got to continue to work together to get that done, and I’m optimistic that Congress will rise to the occasion. By passing comprehensive immigration reform, we will add to this country’s security, to our prosperity, and to justice.

Our nation has been strengthened by generations of immigrants who became Americans through patience and hard work and assimilation. In this new century, we must continue to welcome immigrants, and to set high standards for those who follow the laws to become a part of our country. Every new citizen of the United States has an obligation to learn our customs and values, including liberty and civic responsibility, equality under God and tolerance for others, and the English language. We will continue to pursue policies that encourage ownership, excellence in education, and give all our citizens a chance to realize the American Dream.”

I hated to edit it because there was actually a lot of good stuff in there, but I figure I pulled out the main points and those all center on the issue of illegality. As someone who has spent the majority of my years in the West and many of those in the Southwest, the border problem is an enormous issue. Some say fences make good neighbors, but others see walls and think of Berlin. Some say a guest worker program won’t work - it’s what caused the recent trouble in France. When jobs dry up, what do you do with all the workers? Amnesty won’t work - it rewards illegal behavior, it’s not fair, and it’s not right.

So what the hell do we do? Thomas Sowell thinks that the problem with the Left is that they want perfect solutions. Since there is no such thing as a perfect solution, nothing is accomplished and the problem worsens as the Left tries to create the solution that never comes. The Right, on the other hand, realizes that everything’s a trade-off. You have to do something to address an issue, whether or not it’s perfect. Just do something and worry about perfect later.

Again, I think of 1776. Congress was trying to draft a document about independence, freedom from England’s ownership. Then someone had to mention the whole slavery thing. Damn. A very good point. But in order to take the first step of this revolution, they had to focus on their independence. They’d have to worry about the slaves’ independence later. It took some time, but it was eventually addressed. Roughly one hundred years more of it existed because they didn’t act; however, if they had gotten stuck on the details of slavery, we’d probably all be slaves today. Like Sowell says, it’s a trade-off and you just have to do the best you can do with what you have.

Bush’s plan is a start. As someone who believes that immigration is one of the things that makes America great, I cannot take an isolationist position. But I cannot see the sense of fighting a war against terrorism when our borders are wide open. Something has to be done and done quickly.

Bush was right to address Social Security, but no one wanted to reform the program, so it will stay as is until it implodes. Immigration has been the same way. Both sides are pandering to special interests and to Hispanic voters. Meanwhile, the problem is more and more out of control.

It leaked recently that there was military personnel patrolling the Mexico-New Mexico border. Results were impressive. But is that the answer? I say get off the stick, implement a plan, and fine tune it later.

The Fox News Channel did something that I wish they’d do more often. Fred Barnes hosted a two-part special that was essentially an interview with Thomas Sowell. What a splendid idea! I wish I knew who to thank for this one. I’ve always admired Sowell, and it’s rare to see him interviewed. My hope is that FNC makes this a regular feature.

What’s wonderful about Sowell is that he’d been a Marxist and it was a government job that made him move away from Marxism and move more to the right. It became clear that everything he ever believed about the role of government was wrong. It wouldn’t ever be able to do what it wanted to, and if it ever did it wouldn’t do it well.

One thing that government does very badly is education. On this topic, Sowell is my hero. If anyone has any illusions about government schools, the state of public education, or the quality of any college education/teacher training program, he or she should consult Thomas Sowell.

It reminds me of a conversation I had with someone recently. T and I had dinner with our friends who had also invited a couple people we used to work with but hadn’t seen for awhile. One was there with his wife, who was getting close to finishing her teacher training program and getting a job with our city school system. I was discouraged to hear her talk about things that my peers and I talked about when we were going through a similar program. “So you’re an ed-yoo-kay-tor, too?”

“No,” I said. “I’d planned to teach after college but the Education courses and year of student teaching in a public high school pretty much convinced me that public education should be abolished.” I told her my stories that sounded exactly like her stories.

“When did you get out of college?”, she asked, wide-eyed.

“1982.”

The look on her face was the highlight of the evening. How discouraging to think that after all these years, the same problems haven’t yet been solved. Years ago, Thomas Sowell was approached about taking over the Department of Education. He declined, knowing that it was a lost cause. A very smart man, that Sowell.

The old Boris Karloff movie? No, the biggest shopping day of the year, silly! As usual, I stayed home and watched the footage of Americans stampeding to get to the bargains. If I play my cards right, I will have no reason whatsoever to go to a mall before Christmas. I support the economy, but I have no intention of going out and shopping for things we don’t need. T and I don’t exchange gifts during the holidays. We give each other things throughout the year - holidays don’t dictate when we need to be generous. For instance, he just went out recently to buy a pair of shoes to replace a crusty pair of Reeboks and he picked up a Killers CD for me. I’d mentioned I’d seen them on Austin City Limits one night and thought they sounded like they spent a lot of time listening to The Smiths - now I have a CD. Thank you, T.

You see, I tend to get sentimental over every piece of crap that enters the house. T will look at me and say: “You’re never going to throw that away, are you?” Probably not. It’s why I have become an advocate of use-up-able gifts. I like things that involve food or alcohol and can be consumed and be done with. Some toiletries can fall nicely into that category, too. And these are items that don’t necessarily require a trip to a mall.

I guess it’s because I don’t want to burden anyone with something they feel obligated to keep. I hold on to possessions and fret that one day, some poor soul with have to go through them all, and come across a black Afro wig and parts of a Halloween costume from years past and wonder why the hell I had squirreled it away instead of throwing it away. (That would be part of my Africanized Killah Bee costume. Trust me, it was much too ridiculous to be offensive.)

But I suspect that this will be a good shopping season. I know the media won’t spin it that way, but retailers will have a happy holiday. We might hear that sales are up at discount stores because people are so poor, so desperate, that all they can afford is Wal-Mart. I don’t shop there. Why? Because I can never find an open parking spot anywhere near the place. The super Wal-Mart near our house is always so crowded that a new one is opening soon just a few blocks away. We don’t eat out anymore - we stay home and cook - because every restaurant in town is jammed. Ruth’s Chris Steak House is looking at us because it’s one of the cities in America where people obviously don’t know how to cook. Our residents eat out - a lot. Doesn’t explain why the grocery stores are so crowded, but these folks are always at restaurants.

When we reach one million in population, Ruth’s Chris will invest here. And that should be happening very soon. We’ve been here almost eleven years and I don’t recognize the city anymore. The growth boggles my mind. So much construction! The economy is…well, very good for such a poor state.

But I listen to the news and read the paper and you’d think we were heading for an entirely different kind of Black Friday. Odd. Odd, indeed.

Yesterday went well. My plan was to avoid supermarkets, so I had the majority of my menu purchased more than a week before the holiday. All I needed was some produce and a turkey. I got to the grocery store on Monday and discovered that the advertised Butterballs were gone. This always happens when I wait too long to buy my bird. The Brand X birds come out at this point, so a person must choose between a bird from a company they’ve never heard of or buy the “expensive” turkey. I don’t want a half-frozen bird taking up valuable real estate in my fridge day after day, so I usually end up paying more for a turkey because I want one as close to Thursday as possible and I don’t want to drive all over town to find the best price.

So I ended up choosing a bird that weighed 18.23 lbs. Much bigger than I’d wanted, but it spoke to me. A fine shaped, free range bird who - according to the label - lived happily on a farm in Utah, sucking up fresh air and sunshine, before it was brutally murdered for my consumption.

We had spent most of Wednesday at the vet’s office because the diabetic dog has been having issues. I’m reminded of my high school friend, Jean, who invited a group of us to meet her aunt Ardyth. Ardyth lived in a woodsy area outside of San Francisco and was an artist. I remember pulling my car into a long driveway and seeing the most ancient collie I’ve ever seen in my life. It was as if Lassie had a portrait up in attic, a la Dorian Gray, and this dog looked like the portrait. She must have been 127 years old. Ardyth appeared and her first words to us were:

“We’re going to have a fabulous lunch. If she (the ancient collie) approaches you and shows any interest in what you are eating, you are to give it to her immediately. If she wants to be petted, you are to stop whatever you are doing and pet her. Whatever she wants, you will make sure she gets it. Understood? Perfect. Now let’s go in and have our lunch.”

Like the Martha Stewart holiday special, this experience made a lasting impression. Ardyth loved that dog more than anything and she knew that her time was limited. If the dog showed any interest in anything, it was hers. No questions asked. So T and I decided that if our dog wanted turkey, we would hand it over - no hesitation. He’s at the point, we think, where he could live three more years or die at any moment. This has created more stress than we need, so I decided there was a good way to deal it. Cook a big turkey.

Our dogs get dewy-eyed when we’re in the kitchen preparing food. I knew the scent of a bird roasting in the oven would be therapeutic. So I began my day with a pot of strong coffee, then switched immediately to beer. I started with dessert: I baked a carrot cake, then carefully placed bourbon soaked raisins in the cream cheese frosting to create a portrait of a free range turkey strolling under a big sun. A couple years ago I made two bourbon cream pumpkin pies with lots of 101 proof Wild Turkey. A fantastic recipe, but no one ever has room for dessert, so if I don’t eat it it’s wasted. Note to self: Do not make a dessert next year unless you want to start wearing pants with elastic waists and no zippers.

I wanted to keep it simple this year. I made my cornbread stuffing (and yes, I always stuff the bird) with onion, celery, cranberries, and apple. I thought I had a golden delicious in the fridge, but I couldn’t find it. Used the usual Granny Smith instead. Cranberry sauce. I like to add chunks of peaches and pears and season it with cinnamon and nutmeg. Mashed potatoes? Yukon golds with lots of half & half and sour cream. Candied yams were a little different this year. If I bake an entire casserole with brown sugar and marshmallows, I have to eat the whole thing. T won’t touch sweet potatoes. Instead, I made just enough to make my mother happy but made them super easy. I poured maple syrup over the potatoes, then cooked them in a skillet with butter, cinnamon, and nutmeg - then tossed them around in vanilla extract before serving. Smoke and mirrors.

I won’t drive all over town looking for a turkey, but I have been known to scour the city for fresh Brussels sprouts. I must have fresh sprouts. This year I changed it up. I sliced them in half, steamed them, then sauteed them in olive oil, butter, and garlic. Sprinkled pepper over them and voila! Gravy. I took what was inside the turkey and cooked it in lots of butter with black pepper and a bit of chili pepper…and lots of bourbon. It all went into the gravy.

I remember that when my stepfather was alive, he liked his leftover turkey in sandwiches made with that staple of the seventies: Hawaiian bread. That was a tasty combination, lemme tell ya. So I picked up a package of Hawaiian rolls to have with dinner and I was done.

I usually like to experiment and make at least one exotic dish, but this year I went with traditional and easy. And lots of beer. I did something a little different with the turkey. Usually I stuff it, massage it all over with oil, then put it - uncovered - in a 400 degree oven which I immediately turn down to 325. If I feel the breast is browning too quickly, I’ll tent the bird during roasting. But this year I started with a foil tent, then removed it after three hours. T said he wanted to try brushing the bird with honey so it would have that beautiful brown glaze. It worked well!

In keeping in line with a free range bird (which was wonderful, by the way), I had soy nog on hand to complete the holiday. Tasty! Like dessert and candied yams, if I buy egg nog, I’m stuck with all of it. Figured soy nog wouldn’t be as oppressive. (It tastes like egg nog but doesn’t stick to your ribs in quite the same way.)

T chose the dinner music: jazz before the meal, and the Brandenburg Concertos during the meal. It worked. (I heard the Concerto No. 2 in F Major, Third Movement and thought Firing Line was on the air again. Now that would be a reason to give thanks!)

And I’d like to thank that bird for the ultimate sacrifice. I’m always a little conflicted about the Thanksgiving turkey, but I remember the words of my high school Health Ed teacher who had been raised on a turkey farm in Turlock, California.

“Never,” he said,”feel guilty about your Thanksgiving turkey. I know turkeys. I grew up with turkeys. Turkeys are vile, evil animals and they deserve to be roasted. Trust me on this.”

He was a very nice man, but he knew his fowl. Whenever I think of turkey I think of the song in 1776, when John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin were trying to decide on the symbol for their new nation. Jefferson suggested the dove. Adams insisted on the eagle. Franklin went with the turkey.

We know who won that argument.

I’d considered using this space to list all the things I’m thankful for and to acknowledge all those - especially in the armed forces - who are away from home and family this year. Then it occurred to me that many people are thankful this season precisely because they are away from home and family.

And a Thanksgiving never goes by without a salute to Martha Stewart. Love her or hate her, her holiday special made a lasting impression on me. The one where she brought out the antique glass turkey shaped candy dishes and used them on the dinner table to hold condiments. What was fascinating was watching her choose table linen, dishes, and flatware, emphasizing that you can mix and match and come up with something unique. I have lived by this rule ever since. I mix dishes, napkins, utensils and make it all work. This system functions remarkably well, especially if you have dinner guests who tend to break your plates and glassware with wild abandon.

I’m trying to remember if this was the same special that featured the gingerbread house replete with tennis courts and stables. Why would someone eat Martha’s gingerbread house, I asked, when a family of four could live in it?

Thanksgiving is also a good time to do something kind if doing something kind is something you generally don’t do. My friend Louise e-mailed to say that PETA praised President Bush this week. How could this be? Well, it’s the time of year to pardon the White House turkey! Not just one turkey, but two, because there’s always a back-up bird just to be safe.

This was the first year that I actually missed the coverage. Happily, I know that I can go to the POTUS’ website (link conveniently provided here on this page) and find photos and the President’s remarks. (They were charming, incidentally.) What’s different this year is that Marshmallow and Yam (the alternate bird) will both be served - er, I mean both serve as honorary grand marshals at Disneyland’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And, as Mr. Bush has pointed out, the pair will spend the rest of their natural lives at Disneyland. My life should be so exciting.

Someone can correct me, but didn’t this tradition begin with Lincoln? If memory serves, his son Tad named the holiday bird Jack, and when he discovered that Jack was going to be the main course, he got so upset that the president “pardoned” the bird and spared his life. Dinner plans were ruined, so the family decided to go to the theater instead. No, wait, that was another night.

Anyway, other presidents’ kids must have been heartless little carnivores because I’m not sure turkeys were consistently pardoned after that. Some sources say birds were pardoned, but not all ended up living happily ever after; other sources say the tradition faded but was resurrected with Truman. I could research this a bit more, but I have an eighteen pound bird of my own that I must prepare.

And so does the governor of Iowa - a Democrat, no less! - who has decided that the citizens of his state might have concerns about the safety of their Butterballs during this bird flu season. To demonstrate that they have nothing to fear, he is going to consume the bird that would otherwise be spending the rest of its life roaming free at an Iowa farm. Shocking! (Better nix any plans to run for the presidency, Tom.)

I did find something online that I’d like to share. It was on a site that featured poems for all occasions, and this one is attributed to “Laurie.”

Albuquerque Turkey
(Sung to “Clementine”)

Albuquerque he’s my turkey
Oh he’s feathered and he’s fine
He wobbles and he gobbles
And I’m awfully glad he’s mine.
He’s the best pet
You could ever get.
Better than a dog or cat.
Albuquerque he’s my turkey
And I’m awfully glad of that.
Albuquerque he’s my turkey
He’s so cozy in his bed
Because for Thanksgiving dinner
We had scrambled eggs instead.

My Seventh Day Adventist sister called to say that she would be serving something called “sloppy lentils” to the family. So, on this day, my guests and I will give thanks because we are not vegetarians.

Gobble, gobble.

How funny. I just went online and found dozens of blogs that had various comments about Tartuffe. One entry was from a first-time stage manager on the night the production closed. Capture someone at an impressionable age, show them Tartuffe, and they are yours forever. It’s what happened to my high school Drama teacher. He was in college - a football player - and needed an “easy” elective. He took a theater class, got the lead in Tartuffe, and his life was forever altered.

It reminds me of my mother’s theory about food and pregnancy. She says that when she was carrying me, she was working in an Italian restaurant and she ate pizza almost everyday. It’s no surprise then, she says, that I’m a pizza fanatic. True, I love the stuff. It’s been my goal wherever I’ve lived to find the area’s best pizza. I’ve now decided that it’s time to perfect my own.

But my question has always been: Is it the pregnant woman’s food choices that influence the eating habits of the child, or is it the baby, inside the mother’s womb, that determines what she wants to eat? I think with my sister she ate a lot of German food - especially sauerkraut. My sister favored my father’s side of the family and looked Dutch.

Why this makes me think about the effects of Tartuffe, I’ll never know. It’s just that after I saw my first production of Tartuffe and read the play, it was my goal to see every production I could until I found the best one. Saw a good one in Palo Alto, saw ACT’s version, and I even think I saw one in Ashland at the play festival. So when I saw a review of a local production in our Sunday Arts section, my heart skipped a beat. “I’ve got to go!”

And then I read the review. I know one of our local theater critics from having a working relationship with him for three years. He’s sort of the Joe Lieberman of critique - a nice Jewish man from back east and a die-hard Yankees fan. Even if he writes something unflattering, it’s never fatal. Our other local critic is someone I’ve met briefly, but I know his reputation better than I know the man. I like to think of him as our John Simon. He’s very good at what he does and he doesn’t try to spare anyone’s feelings.

The review of Tartuffe was scathing. He started out saying it was “short on subtlety.” A common flaw in local productions, and not unusual for Tartuffe. The play is old, but it works as is. The director in this case decided to go modern. Says our critic: “(The director) appears to have offered his cast three modes of expression: bellow, scream, or shout. At times most of the cast members could be heard in the farthest corners of ________ Hall; unfortunately, they were performing across the street at the _________.” Good thing I wasn’t taking a sip of coffee when I read this - I would have choked to death. Says our critic: “Sheer volume is not the only way to express emotion.” So true.

But then he goes on: “…has many good moments as Tartuffe , but his exaggerated Southern accent and fey gestures seem more political than dramatic.” Uh-oh, I said to myself. I know precisely where this one’s going. I’ve seen countless productions - even Candide - that feature a villain with a twang. The review continues and pretty much tells me what I’d suspected. It’s heavy-handed and tries to compare the Moliere story to the current administration’s “courtship of the religious right.” But there’s more. The critic explains that the presidential seal has been reproduced on the floor of the set, and before and during the play there are slides - unflattering pictures and cartoons - of President Bush projected on a screen above the stage.

The critic closes with:

“A character asks, ‘Must I shout it into your ears?’ My answer is ‘NO.’”

Ouch! I enjoyed the review and I enjoy knowing that this man saved me a few hours and ten bucks. Alas, that is the problem with some local theater. It doesn’t have to be in your face. Moliere made his points loud and clear back in the 1660’s - the play speaks for itself. But I don’t condemn the director’s spin on this show. It might actually have worked, had it been a little more subtle.

Theater is struggling in some parts of the country and that’s a shame. Directors need to remember that they’re selling a product and they need to know their audience. I say make your point, but make it palatable. Filling your auditorium with friends and university students is fine - as long as they’re paying for tickets. As unpalatable as the word “profit” is for those in local theater, those who succeed know that it’s profit that keeps the doors open. Not very subtle, but that’s the way it is.

A question asked by a top White House source after it was revealed that a black “X” flashed over Dick Cheney’s face during yesterday’s speech. I’d caught Matt Drudge on FNC last night relating the story.

How odd, I thought. But later, when I was surfing through the networks, I landed on CNN and saw one of those Jeanne Meserve stories that can be, on occasion, quirky and amusing. But this one was just…strange. It was about the pope.

First, the pope wears red shoes. There’s speculation that they might be Prada loafers. He also wears Gucci sunglasses. Some say he’s dissed the tailors that have been providing pope garb for decades and going to his personal tailor for his wardrobe. And he’s been seen wearing a cassock that’s much shorter than it should be, exposing his ankles and those red shoes. He also has a young, extremely good-looking personal assistant. He wears shoes from Tod’s. Hmmmmm. What is CNN trying to say here?

I tried to make sense of it. I remember my mother telling me that when she was young, she walked down the street in Erie in a new white dress and new red shoes. She felt fabulous - until an old Italian woman from the neighborhood approached her, called her a whore, and slapped her across the face. My mother wasn’t aware that only a whore would wear red shoes. (This might have been one of the many experiences that resulted in her eventual escape to Chicago.)

Prada. I don’t wear Prada, but the Meserve piece mentioned Lauren Weisberger’s bestseller The Devil Wears Prada and, I think, tried to make some sort of point with that. All I know is a friend had foisted that novel upon me, saying:

“Read this! Sounds just like the bitch you worked for!”

If memory serves, JP 2 didn’t shop at Payless - he had special shoes, too. So the new pope wears Prada and Gucci. Perhaps these are gifts. Maybe it’s a case of product placement, and the designers are writing big fat checks to the Catholic Church. Maybe it’s just a case of supporting the local economy.

Don’t know, don’t really care. Obviously someone in Atlanta does.

Just when I was asking for more Cheney speeches, I got my wish. He’s been criticized this week and accused of stifling debate on the war. That’s not the case, but he had to come out again to clarify his remarks. In doing so, he repeated what he’s been saying and he didn’t backpedal. Good for him.

I don’t understand those who think Cheney is a poor speaker, grumpy and monotone. My hope is that he continues to be more visible. I doubt that there’s any plan to run for the top job, which is a shame. I’ve watched presidents and vice presidents deteriorate, administration after administration. They age dramatically - it’s scary to watch. But if Cheney’s appearance is any indication of improved health, I’m thrilled. He looks fabulous.

As I listened to his speech this morning, I was reminded of another C-SPAN caller who advocated pulling out of Iraq. He tried to compare the war to a basketball game. Everybody knows, he said, that a team plays better at home. There’s an advantage. Iraq is a foreign country - how are our troops supposed to be able to fight a war in a strange land? Our military knows America better and should fight the terrorists here.

Um, I just have to say that our troops are perfectly capable of fighting wars in strange lands. They’ve been doing it well and winning wars around the globe for a very long time. It appears that this caller would prefer car bombs exploding outside churches, schools, shopping centers, and government buildings within our borders. Iraq is enormous. America is bigger. Given the choice, I’d rather avoid firefights on my way to the grocery store.

Americans are spoiled. If an American can compare a world war to a basketball game and think that we will win if we play it here at home, I think we have a problem. This person is probably irritated that he has to get to the airport early for security checks. Does he really feel that playing defensively is a better option?

Our politicians have been treating this war like a game. I hate to see that our citizens are looking at it the same way. Life is not a tailgate party. Precisely what will it take for Americans to wake up and smell the Shirkina Sun-dried Sidamo with extra soy?