The Voice of Treason

It appears we’re moving into a new phase of Katrina coverage. The mayor said there would be at least 10,000 dead bodies - probably more. Twenty-five thousand body bags are on hand just in case. Democrats are saying we’ll need more. This will be the biggest loss of life in American history (and it’s all George Bush’ fault)!

The reporters talked about all the bodies. They stood on street corners and overpasses, sniffed the air and grimaced. “You can smell the death in the air.”

The water level is dropping dramatically because they’re pumping all that filth into Lake Pontchartrain. (Again, where are the environmentalists on this one?) Now either the lake is going to have some serious issues when this is over, or a year from now they’ll do tests and the water will be cleaner than it was before and filled with fish. Two-headed ones, of course, but still fish.

My point is that for the last couple days, because they haven’t been turning up a record number of corpses after all, the reporters have turned their attention to the animals. Stories about the zoo and aquarium, shots of dogs and cats and even a horse walking down the street. Animal rescue groups are seen bringing the pets to shelters, the head of Best Friends is interviewed, and all the networks are starting to run segments specifically about the animal victims. One reporter: “It’s quiet in New Orleans…except for the wailing…the sad cries of dogs and cats who are starving and thirsty, looking for food and water.” (Close-ups of a skinny black and white cat and then a puppy making its way down the street.)

I can’t watch this stuff. Every time there’s a story about the animals, I have to get up and leave the room. I came in on the end of a show on NBC and was relieved that I’d missed it. Then MSNBC ran a segment. Couldn’t watch. FNC is trying to concentrate on the stories of rescue and reunion, but it’s still hard to take.

It’s a vile character flaw, I know. I can see human corpses floating in the water and I can cope, but show me an abandoned dog on a porch and I can’t bear it. How many pets are out there? Some say at least 50,000 animals were left behind. There are reports that a thousand pets have been rescued. That only leaves forty-nine thousand more to save and find homes for.

Some reporters hesitate. One said: “We’re not saying people intentionally abandoned their pets.” Um, some did. Why can’t you say that? It happens every day. The shelters in my city are filled with dogs and cats who are euthanized daily by the hundreds.

College students do it every summer. I almost got evicted from my apartment because I was feeding and caring for all the abandoned cats that were left behind. I had to move when I finally adopted one officially. That was Alex. Then came Mabel. Who was pregnant and didn’t tell me. But I digress.

The politicians are pushing me to the point of looking for an alternate party. The right is pointing out the obvious: the mayor and governor failed to execute the plan that was in place. The plan called for school and city buses to remove citizens who had no means of getting out of the city. How many times do we have to see the hundreds of buses parked under water? Amtrak had a train leaving town and asked city officials if they wanted to pack it with people before it pulled out of the station. No.

The right is right. The Feds are not the first responders. We have laws; do we really want to change them so if my state has an incompetent governor, the Feds can march in at any time and take it over? The other side would like that - but they better think long and hard about that one before they push for it.

One of the most horrifying things I’ve heard this week was almost too much to bear. There was a suggestion that Jimmy Carter should be appointed to rebuild New Orleans. I can’t even bring myself to the point of discussing this. It’s like putting Michael Jackson in charge of the Boy Scouts. It’s just not a good idea.

I suspect there have been greatly exaggerated reports of rapes, murders, and deaths. I was driving up on Friday to see my mother and caught the last of Rush. A friend had e-mailed him to say the business was slightly damaged but the family’s all right. They had relocated to New Orleans a few years ago, but didn’t like it so they moved to another area. Part of the e-mail included stories that the media was ignoring. A cop shot himself with his own revolver because after working so hard to secure the city and rescue people, he returned home to find his wife and children had been raped, mutilated, and murdered. It sounded unbelievable at first, but then I thought of all the other stories I’d heard and thought it could be true. Later on ABC, the same story was repeated except for the part about the family. They were fine.

So which is it? What story is true? I might have to listen to Rush today to hear him address it. If he knows he had misinformation, he’ll retract it, and set the story straight. Yes, Rush does that. But I feel like I can’t trust the media at all anymore. People are wringing their hands about not trusting the government, but that’s a no-brainer. You can trust them to be incompetent and spend your money - what else is there to know? But the media is creeping me out big time.

The truth is, when all is said and done, more innocent animals will have suffered and died than people. There were stories of police and National Guard shooting dogs; now they say that was untrue. I’m seeing some beautiful dogs. Boxers, pit bulls. People are being reunited with their kids and their dogs; how amazing is that? Think about it. All we’re hearing is how this whole operation has been botched, but someone in Houston just found out his dog is in San Antonio and it’ll be brought to him. We can do that in this country.

I watched them going house to house and checking for anyone who might not have evacuated. One house had been marked - spray painted with an X and various codes - to indicate that no one was inside. But that was when the water was still high and they couldn’t enter the home. They went back when the water level dropped. A rescuer came out of the house and sprayed an X on the side of the house. He wrote the date. Then the code that identifies which rescue group he represents. Then he wrote a zero, meaning there were no humans inside. But then he continued:

1 D K-9

He then spray painted over the previous markings and left the scene.

T and I have invented yet another new expression. When something looks, tastes, smells, sounds, or feels bad, we say:

“That’s all nawlins!”

Variations include:

“That’s way nawlins!”
“That’s just so nawlins!”

I watched part of the MoveOn.org demonstration in D.C. where they dragged three evacuees out to “shame” the White House. It actually costs money to organize and print signs for these protests. Usually the people involved are paid to protest. I don’t know what this cost, but the energy and money might have been better spent if it had been directed towards helping Louisiana and the other evacuees. An example of something really nawlins.

Debit cards. People lined up in Houston to get their cards and it was hot. People were irritable. They started cutting ahead of others in line and fights broke out. Things got worse. It was so nawlins.

There was a nursing home. The staff called people and told them to come fetch their elderly relatives before Katrina hit. Some did. Some didn’t. Several patients, unable to escape the flood waters, drowned. Thoroughly nawlins.

A cop’s wife and children left New Orleans and went to Baton Rouge. The wife begged her husband to leave - just leave. He said he couldn’t because he was needed. He spent hours rescuing people, then returned home to rest. His house had been looted. Man, that’s nawlins.

Everybody knew the levees weren’t going to withstand a hurricane like Katrina. The issue had been addressed several times, but progress was thwarted by environmental groups who sued to protect the environment. Incredibly ironic - and nawlins.

People want to live in paradise. Whether it’s in Florida, Malibu, or in a laidback city like New Orleans, people want to live where it’s sunny and warm and fun. They don’t want to think about blizzards, frozen car batteries, boots and scarves and mittens and the smell of wet wool. Those who get out and shovel the snow off their driveways every morning so they can get to work are paying for those who don’t want to do that. That is just so nawlins.

Libraries have been destroyed. I heard that Jefferson Davis’ house was wiped out. The Antebellum homes and all that history - all gone. People’s photo albums, mementos, heirlooms, pets, relatives, everything they’ve worked for - gone. The zoo. The aquarium. Museums. Businesses. Schools. Trees that have stood for hundreds of years. How nawlins is that?

Charles Krauthammer said that someone has to “fall on his sword.” Looks like it’s going to be Michael Brown. That’s pretty nawlins.

There was an election in Egypt. That’s a good thing. But Mubarak won with 88% of the vote and only 23% of eligible voters voted. If that’s not nawlins, I don’t know what is.

We’re getting more of the “we-don’t condone-but-we-understand” crowd speaking up. People in desperate situations do desperate things, they say. If memory serves, Florida got hit pretty hard with hurricanes recently. A part of lower Manhattan was wiped off the map. People in the Midwest faced losing their homes and farms when a river rose and threatened to take out everything in its path. They started stacking sandbags. Thousands of sandbags. People came from all over with more bags, sandwiches, pies, support. No one was shot or raped or murdered. Stores and homes weren’t looted. Cuz it just would have been so nawlins.

There was a poll. Sixty-six percent of African-Americans agree with Kanye West. That’s about as nawlins as it gets.

A journalist from Florida who had spent Monday reporting on people returning to their homes in Jefferson Parish was heading to a motel in Baton Rouge when he realized he was headed in the wrong direction. You know that feeling you get when you know you’ve just ended up in the “wrong” neighborhood?

Well, soon after he realized it, someone came up to his car to relieve him of his cash and shoot him. I’ve crossed Louisiana off my list of states to visit. And that’s a shame because a few days before Katrina, my AAA magazine showed up in the mailbox and there was a great article about New Orleans. The title of the piece is Painting The Town: The New Orleans Art Scene Thrives In The Warehouse District. You know, that area that just went up in flames? The article begins:

“New Orleans, the city that gave the world the jazz funeral, has a knack for turning any event, however somber, into a party. Even the rarified world of contemporary art isn’t safe…”

“When I moved to New Orleans 15 years ago, the buildings, like much of the neighborhood, were grimy and neglected. In fact, most of the Warehouse District had become an urban no-man’s-land of cratered streets and abandoned buildings by the early 1980s.”

The rest of the article describes the resurrection of the area and highlights the renovation of the buildings and the artwork that’s housed there. Impressive photos. He writes about the Ogden Museum of Southern Art:

“The Ogden’s architects had the good sense to include a rooftop plaza, where I paused to take in the view. Four floors above the blocks I’d been exploring, I had to revise my theory: It could take more than a weekend to appreciate both the art and the neighborhood that make up the Warehouse District.”

I wonder how much of the district was lost. I wonder where the writer is today. He mentioned that he lived in the French Quarter, so he might be all right. From what I saw of the warehouse fires, I can’t say the same about New Orleans’ art scene.

For days I’ve seen footage of two guys stranded on their roof with a feisty little dog. This dog is just a charmer. The rescue basket is dropped and the little dog is right there to supervise. The first guy gets in and is lifted to safety. The second guy gets in - then it ends.

For days I’ve been driving T nuts with this. Did the dog get saved, too? He has assured me that the dog was saved, but there have been countless stories about pets left behind and even shot. Finally, I saw the rest of the footage. The dog was lifted into the basket and brought up to the helicopter.

And Snowball was reunited with the little boy. Remember the story about the dog who was kicked off the bus and the kid was so upset he vomited? That was Snowball. FNC is showing a lot of pet rescues, but it’s disturbing to see so many dogs in that water. If it’s true it’s so toxic and people are getting chemical burns, what’s happening to the animals?

I’ve been complaining to T that the Democrats are using this act of God to attack Bush and are inviting terrorists to attack us. He says: “And the Republicans aren’t? Our borders are still wide open!” Point well-taken.

Then he asked about the forced evacuation: “How does the government have the right to kick you out of your house?” My response: “They have the right to take your house! Kicking you out is nuthin’!” Technically, if the authorities can make a case for a health hazard, you can be removed from your property. And that would explain why we’re hearing so much about the “cesspool of death.”

I’m tired of hearing how the evil Republicans engineered this whole thing to kill black people. What if this is actually a vast left wing conspiracy to move huge numbers of blacks to red states to make them blue? Extreme gerrymandering!

The most shocking thing I’ve heard this week was on Sean Hannity’s show. He was talking to Geraldo, and Geraldo referred to himself as a liberal Republican. I know that 9/11 had a truly life-changing effect on the man, but he’s calling himself a Republican?

I shouldn’t complain. Every reporter and journalist should have to state their political affiliations. No one is objective, so why not just be honest and say how you’re filtering your story?

The first thing I heard this morning was on Fox & Friends to Kathleen Blanco about the friction between her and Dubya. I woke up. Where did they get that little tidbit? Well, a few hours later I found out. The mayor launched that during his interview on CNN over the weekend. Said Bush wanted to act, but it was Blanco who said she needed 24 hours to mull it all over. He threw her to the woooves!

I have to say it’s been interesting to watch the mayor during all his press conferences after he criticized everyone else for wasting valuable time in their press conferences. I’m happy to hear that he “got (his) crazy butt checked out” by medical personnel on the Iwo Jima. Hasn’t had time to shave, but he’s got time to be interviewed and chit chat about his “crazy butt.” I think the mayor has some issues with ego, but, to be fair, I’ve never known a mayor who hasn’t.

News of the day: the government is donating confiscated designer knock-offs to the evacuees. If it’s true that if you look good, you’ll feel good, then people should be feeling great in Armani, Chanel, and Gucci rip-offs.

Similarly, Barbara Bush is getting bad press for something they’re calling her “let them eat cake” remark. All she said was that many of the victims were “underprivileged” so this disaster is actually “working out well” for some of them. I can’t argue with her statement.

If New Orleans was a Democratic Utopia, how come so many blacks were living in so much poverty? Some families were living - if you can call it that — on $7500 a year. “Vote for us and we’ll help you. We care.” I think it’s safe to say that New Orleans is proof that the party has been lying to these people. But we’ve trained them well. “Rely on government! Government will save you!” And so they waited. And waited. And waited. In filth, with shooters and rapists. Can’t start walking or swimming away from this horror - no, we gotta stay cuz the government’s comin’ to save us.

Valuable lesson number one: Stop depending on the government because they can’t be depended on for saving your butt. (Military excluded. I like those people.)

Valuable lesson number two? I’ve seen so many evacuees interviewed and each one is amazed at how nice people have been in Texas and other parts of the country. One guy was practically speechless. “In Nawlins it’s every man for hisself. I thought it was like that everywhere. But it’s not. I know that now.”

Hallelujah! Could this be the silver lining? Will some people’s lives be improved simply by relocating and being in a healthier environment? We can hope.

In other news, autopsy results were released for Thomas Herrion, San Francisco 49er’s offensive lineman. He’d collapsed in the locker room and died shortly after the 49ers played the Broncos in a preseason game in Denver. Herrion was 6-foot-3, and weighed 310 pounds. He was only twenty-three years old. He was a big man with a big heart. Literally. The autopsy shows that he died of ischemic heart disease. There was significant blockage in his right coronary artery and his heart was slightly enlarged. Whew. George Bush is off the hook for that one.

Finally, in the news, political activist Randall Robinson (his latest book is Quitting America: The Departure of a Black Man from His Native Land) says the blacks in New Orleans are eating corpses to survive. Why, that smacks of cannibalism! Mr. Robinson got the memo and quickly retracted his statements.

Well, if it is true, that would explain all that A1.

I think I watched that C-SPAN interview with Rehnquist on Sunday night. It sounds odd, but when they cut in to announce his death I felt relief. Not just because I knew he’d been suffering terribly with cancer, but because it meant a break from Katrina.

I watched as his casket was carried to the place where Lincoln rested. Nixon and Reagan have been vilified by the Left, but Rehnquist was a good call by both men. Fair-minded liberals have to admit that he was a fine man. When Brian Lamb asked him why he wasn’t planning to write his memoirs, Rehnquist said he’s declined because in order to make it an interesting read, he’d be forced to say unkind things about former coworkers. True things, but still unkind. And he just didn’t want to do that.

Lanny Davis was interviewed on FNC and had a good story to tell. He’d met Rehnquist thirty-three years ago at a wedding. He had long hair and sideburns, so Davis assumed he was a fellow traveler. Thinking he was a liberal Democrat, Lanny went off on politics and the two of them talked most of the evening. As the festivities were wrapping up, he asked Rehnquist what he did for a living. He finally admitted to being a lawyer. After some arm-twisting, Davis got the whole story out of him about who he was, and who he worked for. “Why didn’t you tell me?,” Davis asked. “Because we would never have had this conversation.”

It’s a very good story.

Fats was lost but now is found. He survived Katrina. It’s the domino effect that we need to worry about now. Not everyone understands the economic importance of the Gulf Coast. It’s a port. Grain comes down the river and gets shipped out internationally. That’s just a part of it. Reporters and politicians are wringing their hands: Who will pay the price? Duh-uh! Everyone!

The dead, the homeless, the jobless, the pets, the wildlife, the government officials, the education system, the small business owners, taxpayers - all of us. Kiss the Bush agenda goodbye. Anyone hoping for Social Security and tax reform can give it up. The estate tax - taxation without respiration - isn’t going to go away now. Everything’s on hold except the prices of…well, just about everything. They’ll be going up. Except maybe the price of my house. Should have sold it last month. Not a good time to be without a job. The evacuees are showing up in this state and they’re going to need jobs, too. Geez, who needs terrorists when we have Mother Nature?

And the hits just keep on coming. Another Clinton/Bush press conference. Inevitably, Bill took the time to explain that his administration had been addressing the levee issue. He doesn’t know what happened after that. Happily, that was the end of the conference because a reporter shouted the final (unanswered) question: “What about the reports that the levees were broken on purpose?”

Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!! Look, everyone knew the levees were a problem - the Indians warned the French and told them they were nuts for building a city below sea level. Hey! Anyone in Venice paying attention to this? Amsterdam?

Still haven’t heard the truth about those firefighters in the BellSouth building. And what brought that helicopter down? And is it true about the vigilantes who killed a guy for attempting to rape a thirteen year-old girl? The group with guns on the bridge that was shot at. Gangstas or members of the Army Corps of Engineers? How many cops turned in their badges and got the hell out of Dodge? And they’re committing suicide? Is there a reason other than the obvious? Is there so much corruption down there that they were afraid an investigation would bring it to light?

A woman refused to evacuate because the National Guard wouldn’t let her take her four year-old dog with her. I had to take a break. I watched C-SPAN. Brian Lamb interviewing William Rehnquist back on April 10, 2001. A reminder that there are fine, decent human beings in the world. Unfortunately, now we’ve lost another one. A contrast to the human debris in Nawlins. There, I’ve said it. I’m not saying everyone is debris, but I think it’s safe to say that there are some lower forms of life down there. The media keeps referring to the looters, snipers, and rapists as a small minority. And that may be true, but they still exist and no one wants to come out and call them what they are. Criminals. I’ve heard words like “thug” and “hoodlum,” but that’s still pretty limp. My complaint is that there has been a natural disaster and we have lifted the people who were affected - the victims - to a status they don’t necessarily deserve. These people are suddenly heroes. If that’s the case, what do we call the people who are going down there to rescue them? What do we call the people who are opening their homes and volunteering their time and resources to help strangers? What do we call them? In our current culture I wouldn’t be surprised if they were called suckers.

The birds are acting strangely. Our yard filled up with these tiny bluish birds today. They went from tree to tree, not touching the seed. Noisy. All the other birds left. All except the hummers. They stayed and watched. Who were these little evacuees? Did they blow in from another state? Migrating? What were they? By the time I pulled out the hose to spray down the leaves for them, they’d moved on.

Later, the regulars came back and buried themselves in the sand. They created trenches in the sand and buried themselves. It’s Armageddon.

People! The enemy’s out there! Well, obviously we’ve forgotten that because we’re too busy attacking each other this week. I’m waiting for someone to complain about Trent Lott and his comments. Here’s a guy who lost his home - what was it? 154 years old? - and he’s trying to help get his state back up and running, but all the focus is on New Orleans. Essentially he said to stop being hurt, stop your whining, and get to work to fix the problem and clean up the mess. He makes a good point.

Speaking of taking some personal responsibility, did I hear that Compton is trying to break another murder record this year? Was there a flood in Compton? A hurricane? A quake? I don’t remember hearing anything. So what’s the excuse for the murders? Does asking that break all the PC rules?

I’m thinking it’s about time that we drop the PC crap and have some serious conversations about the state of our culture. T and I switched to local news briefly to see what was happening in our neck of the woods and there was a report about a truck colliding with a motorcycle. Yeah, allegedly this truck collided with this motorcycle. No mention of any drivers - we wouldn’t want to offend anyone by pointing out that someone did something not quite right. Oh, and I’d like to have a serious conversation about the state of this hurricane coverage. I have some issues.

I’ve been watching it pretty much non-stop and I’m seeing the same footage over and over and over again. For those who haven’t been watching, this would give them the impression that the situation isn’t improving. Oh - there’s that black couple on the balcony again - is that a dog? You know, I’m pretty sure I saw that couple airlifted to safety today. Hope the dog was saved, too. I just don’t want to see any footage of them stranded on that balcony again because that’s just not accurate reporting - they’ve been saved, so show that instead, please. One gets the impression that the footage coming out of New Orleans is current, live. It’s not. I’m seeing images that are days old. No wonder everyone’s ticked off that things are moving slowly. There’s no indication of progress what with the same pictures over and over again and absolutely no indication from the networks that these are old news.

Speaking of news and misinformation, I’m tired of reporters complaining about the lack of communication and misinformation when they themselves are guilty of it. They cut in with breaking news - sketchy at best - and run with it. We have no facts, but this sounds sensational enough to put out there, so here it is!

Tidbits like the one from St. Bernard’s Parish late Friday afternoon. Firefighters were being sniped at in the BellSouth building because looters wanted to take it over. Uh, so what happened? Was that an accurate story? If it wasn’t, was there any retraction or clarification?

The networks choose to repeat certain footage endlessly. Now I’ll see a clip and say: That’s one we won’t see again. Like the black guy who had just arrived in Houston. The man was in tears, disgusted how “his people” were conducting themselves in New Orleans. He said he never would have believed it - then he broke down and turned away from the camera. Saw him once.

Two white guys wanting to get face time asked for a moment in front of the camera. The other Parishes - those predominantly white - were not getting the attention that New Orleans was getting. These men complained that “they’re throwin’ the race card”; meanwhile the other areas were neglected and people were dying on their roofs. Saw them once.

The people I’m not seeing at all are the environmentalists. Here’s the perfect opportunity for them to come forward and say that New Orleans shouldn’t be rebuilt. But instead, Denny Hastert says it, and he’s attacked. Well, here’s an opportunity to destroy the administration, and really, that’s so much more important then saving the environment.

Speaking of destroying the administration, Mayor Nagin had a tizzy fit about press conferences, but I guess that doesn’t apply to him. He’s certainly taken the time to get in front of the cameras for interviews on 60 Minutes and CNN. They talk about the stench in that city; is that the smell of hypocrisy?

When does the federal investigation start? I woke up this morning to see Kanye West, the pillar of modern society (didn’t someone just get shot at one of his parties?) and moral authority (Cindy Sheehan must be taking some time off) going completely off-script during the NBC fundraiser last night.

But what a difference a day makes. Last night Geraldo was in tears holding a baby and pleading with America to save the babies because the babies are dying and they’re just babies so we have to save the babies. (Okay, Geraldo, we got it!)

Today he’s ecstatic (”This is magnificent!!! Magnificent!!!”) saying the cavalry has arrived and this is the best example of a well-organized rescue and airlift ever! It’s America at its best! He says he hasn’t been this excited since the Iraqi elections.

Matt Lauer explained the Kanye West situation. Something like: “This is an emotional time, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. Don’t let this dissuade you from sending us money, because really that’s what this is all about.”

Kanye West just said on national TV that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people” and “they’ve given them permission to go down and shoot us” and NBC let him do it. You’ve just offended anyone who lives in the red states — you know, all those people who were getting ready to send you all those fat checks? The money that keeps funding this crap? I’m I the only one who’s fed up with the entertainment industry lecturing us about morality this week? If free speech works both ways, then I’ll say to Kanye: It doesn’t look like black people care about black people.

T has pointed out that this disaster will just make red states redder and blue states bluer.

Oh, but Geraldo must have gotten the memo. Everybody knows that FNC gets its marching orders from the administration, and Geraldo went off-script last night, too. For those of you who are not part of the VWRC, here’s the plan in a nutshell. Back when Reagan was President and George H.W. Bush was Vice President (he’s the guy most of you will know from his recent adventures with Bill Clinton), they called in experts to concoct a “final solution” to deal with the growing underclass (read: blacks) who vote primarily for the other side (read: Democrats).

Doctors, scientists, and sociologists all brought their ideas to the administration and even though there were some that would solve the problem much more efficiently, the administration thought it would be better if they took a slower approach so that the average American wouldn’t figure it out. Didn’t want to be too obvious…not at this juncture.

What they came up with was a dual solution: drug addiction and disease. We already had established pretty good relationships with Central and South American narcotics dealers, so it was easy to bring cocaine into the country. But we needed something that would appeal to black drug addicts specifically. Coke was a little too “white” for most black people. It was pricey and done mostly in condos. So the administration devised a substance that was cheaper and could be smoked. The code word for it was “crack.”

Once Reagan and Bush could successfully addict all the black people in America, then they could unleash a highly contagious disease. After testing it on a few homosexuals (Phase 2 of the plan: homosexuals are next on the list! We’re building camps for them all over the country but we’re calling them “spas.”), they brought out the big guns: AIDS.

Well, obviously this has been a monumental failure, because not every black person has become addicted to crack or been infected with AIDS. To address this, George Bush and Dick Cheney were put in office (you were right - they weren’t elected, they were just put in there) to finish the job.

George Bush got the Cabinet together and announced: “We gotta get us some of that tar baby heroin!” Condi Rice quickly pointed out that he was most likely thinking of “black tar” heroin, and that sort of got the wheels turning about Afghanistan. That Taliban thing was kinda made up - we just wanted to get in there and control all those poppy fields. Inspired, huh?

Corporate America lent a hand, too. With the help of companies like Burger King, KFC, and McDonald’s, we were able to specifically target blacks and modify their diets to the point where they were most vulnerable to diabetes, hypertension, thyroid problems, heart disease, and cancer. The icing on the cake is that they all got so fat it slowed them down. If you’re not physically fit, how can you outrun the authorities when they come to round you up?

We also had a lot of help from the Army Corps of Engineers. In effect, they “engineered” the failure of the levees, intentionally constructing them to withstand up to Category 3 hurricanes only. We were shooting for that Cat 5, but we felt that Cat 4 was a good start.

See, scientists came in with proof that we could manipulate the world’s weather patterns by dropping bombs on innocent people in the Middle East. I don’t know how they figured this out, but it’s pretty cool. I understand that the administration brought in a lot of Jewish experts who had worked with the Nazis, because as you know, it was the Jews and Prescott Bush (father of George H.W. Bush and grandfather of George W. and Jeb Bush) who concocted that whole Hitler/World War II thing a few years back.

I digress. Anyway, they intentionally practiced on Florida because Jeb (George’s brother, George H.W.’s son, Prescott’s grandson, and Barbara’s favorite) was governor and no one would suspect that the administration would experiment on a red state. Pretty smart, huh? And you guys think Algore is the sharp one!

Well, they had all these tropical storms and hurricanes hit Florida (they threw in that tsunami to make it look less suspicious) with the intent of targeting New Orleans specifically. It’s a decadent city (wiping it out will make the far-right Christian wing of the party happy - shhhhhhhhhhh! just don’t let them find out the French Quarter was spared!), the governor’s female and Democrat, the mayor is black and Democrat, two-thirds of the population is black, and there’s some valuable real estate down there. Not to mention all the potential oil revenues. We haven’t had a new refinery in twenty-five years, so we have a lot of catching up to do. We’re calling it our D&R program. Drill and refine. See what I’m talking about now?

So yeah, you got us. This was all part of the plan for mass genocide. We’ve been working with our buddy Saddam to get tips on killing the most people on less than $40 a day. (Saddam’s been watching a lot of Food Network and is really hot for that Rachael Ray person.)

Anyway, because I’m a registered Republican, I get the newsletter, so I’m privy to all this stuff. I guess I shouldn’t have mentioned it, but since this is what CNN and MSNBC have been hinting at all week, I guess the cat’s out of the bag!

I’m being facetious, of course, but what’s so scary is that so many people think this is the truth.

The TV coverage is getting to me, so I turned it off to listen to Rush for a bit, but Rush wasn’t there. Roger Hedgecock was sitting in for him, and that’s a good thing. Well, it was good until I heard the story about the little boy and his dog. The boy was rescued and was about to get on the bus when he was told that he couldn’t have his dog. The dog was kicked off the bus, and the kid was so upset he vomited all over himself. I know, I know, people are starving, homeless, and dying, but the pet factor has me torn up.

A friend e-mailed me to say that a writer friend from New Orleans was just here in our city with his family to attend a convention. They’d left their cats with enough food and water for four days, expecting to return. Now what? I can’t stop thinking about those cats.

And speaking of caterwauling, whazzup with the mayor? Catch his tirade? Obviously, he missed Civics, too. How is it up to the Feds to - oops, sorry - bail you out of your swamp?

Ah, and we’ve heard from the Black Caucus. As if this isn’t going to be expensive enough, a federal investigation could go on forever and cost billions. Our tax dollars at work!

Sad to say, but Geraldo and Shep are competing for awards. I would say Oscars at this point…but seriously, I’m getting a little tired of reporters who don’t report the news. FNC says they report, you decide, but none of the networks - including FOX - are letting me do that. I’m getting impressions and emotions and feelings and tears and anger - everything but news and facts. I’m being manipulated and I don’t like it. You have cameras. Shut up for two minutes and show me some new footage.

I’m also getting a little tired of seeing the same looter wheeling a five-year supply of A1 sauce through the streets of New Orleans. Frankly, an item I wouldn’t have thought of stealing, but then I’ve never been a big fan of steak sauce. What does he intend to do with all that A1 anyway?

I woke up this morning and the first thing I heard was that shots had been fired at a military helicopter over the Superdome. Just recently our local cable company, preparing for yet another inexplicable rate hike, threw the consumers a bone. “Look what we have done for you! We’ve grouped your channels for you!”

Yeah, just as we all had finally memorized what was what, they switched everything around so the sports channels were together, the cartoon channels were together, the news channels were together. Convenient only because I was able to surf from FNC to CNN to MSNBC quickly and get annoyed that much faster.

This is so PC, I thought. All these images of — I’m going to start calling people black and ditch the PC term African-American — blacks looting and reports of urban misbehavior (that would be vandalism, rape, and murder specifically), and no word yet of race or class. When will someone speak up about the big brown elephant in the room?

Well, one network finally did mention it and that opened - no pun intended - the floodgates. “Hey! It’s okay to mention that these people are…uh…people of color!!!!” It was a little awkward at first, but soon all the talking heads were talking about it. A refreshing change from all the talking they’d been doing about themselves and how this tragedy had affected them personally (”I haven’t had a shower and like zero access to mousse and white strips. My teeth look okay?”)

Then at 2:30 our time, Wolf Blitzer dropped the bomb. He was referring to the images of people wading through sewage and said the people were: “So poor…and so black.”

T and I spun in our seats to face each other. “You hear that?”

Hey, are the congressional hearings scheduled yet? To all those who ask: Why can’t we control the insurgents in Iraq? Hell, we can’t even control the insurgents in New Orleans! Um, dare I ask? Where’s the black leadership? That’s easy: Al’s with Cindy in Crawford and Jesse’s with that commie in Venezuela.

People always ask how a Saddam or Hitler or Stalin comes to power. Easy again. There’s a bad situation and someone steps up to the plate to lead. A little charisma and rhetoric can go a long way when people are too lazy or stupid or worn down to take the lead themselves. The word leadership is being thrown around a lot this week, but the question they’re really asking is “Where’s George Bush?” My question is “Where are the Civics teachers?” They had stopped calling it Civics by the time I was old enough to take it. By then they were calling it - perhaps ominously - Government class. That’s where you learn about things like the Constitution and the branches of government. (A recent survey revealed that too many Americans think the three branches are Democrat, Republican, and Independent.) There’s also a chapter about the roles of state and local governments and the federal government. A lot of people worked hard to limit the power of the federal government and give more power to the state and local governments. If you’re watching what’s happening in Louisiana, you might not know that.

Funny, but Mississippi and Alabama (incidentally, Katrina nailed them, too) have that figured out. But then, those states have Republican governors. I go one further. The govs have gonads. Kathleen Blanco has been utterly useless and I can’t say much more about the useless New Orleans mayor, Ray Nagin. A city and state that have been corrupt for how many years? So poorly run and, frankly, so poor, that they would die without tourism dollars.

Yup, this will be politicized for a long time and it will turn out to be both good and bad for each side. “Where’s Rudy Giuliani?” Well, how is it that a man who was so criticized for so long is now our savior? If Rudy had put any ideas about running for president on the backburner, no doubt he’s reconsidering today.

To be fair, this situation is much different than September 11. We’re not talking about an area of lower Manhattan - we’re talking about three states. Reporters are calling New Orleans “the cesspool of death.” Neil Cavuto referred to it as “The Big Uneasy.”

Now can we just find another word for “refugees,” please?