Why Jeb Bush will never be the leader of the free world
Writing by treason on Friday, 23 of September , 2005 at 8:35 am
I think I just figured out the secret of American politics. Years of watching late night TV has led me to believe that you can’t win the presidency unless you can be impersonated. Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush (1), Clinton, Bush (2); what do they all have in common?
Any second-rate impressionist can do them. I was doing LBJ when I was six. Not to be confused with Monica Lewinsky, I was doing an impression of LBJ.
“Mah fellow Amurrikins. Ah come here today with a heavy heart. Ah just ate a pepperoni pizza.”
Yeah, it’s bad, but I was six.
I’ve been trying to do Jeb Bush. Again let me clarify: an impression of Jeb Bush. The problem is that I could probably imitate Jeb, but no one would know what I was doing unless I talked a lot about hurricanes, extensive evacuation plans, instructions on what to do and where to go, and how to get through it all without trauma — then repeated it all in Spanish.
The trick is to have noticeable speech patterns, a dialect, and quirks. A particular expression, too, is helpful.
Ahsk not what your country can do for you: Ahsk what you can do for your country.
Now let me say this about that.
Let me make this perfectly clear.
Malaise.
Well……
Not at this juncture.
Wouldn’t be prudent.
I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Noocueler.
Jeb needs to develop a tick. Or maybe a Clintonesque ATM gesture. I guess if you watch him long enough you can pick out little things he does. A slight sigh and slump…almost like a Saint Bernard…while he’s trying to make it clear for the umpteenth time that if you don’t move your ass right quick, the hurricane is going to get you.
He’s smart. He’s articulate. He’s steady. If he wants to be President, he’s going to have to start twitching. Or stuttering. Or mispronouncing words. Or scratching his chin. Something peculiar.
Right now he’s just too good to get elected.
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